Poss trigger





I kind of quit taking my meds again. I'm not really sure why I guess I'm just sick of it all and have reasoned with myself that I am completely free of bipolar and therefore should be able like everybody else to just get on with it.

Problem is even before I stopped them I started to trawl the internet for morbid purposes. Outwardly I am presenting fine. Although since a few days pretty speedy, back to the loud music and driving fast. Unable to sit still and my fingers moving constantly. Head buzzing but feeling mostly drained from my parents long visit.

And I wonder am I doing this because I want them to notice? They know I have problem but we don't discuss it. People who have mental problems are considered weird by them. (So given their perception of those with a mental illness I'm not sure I want to discuss it). I am asking myself whether I am doing this because I was already feeling suicidal and I know that if I leave it unchecked I am pretty likely to try and go through with it? And I'm OK with that.

It is a little bizarre to be like a mirror and project what you think people should see; behind the mirror life is very different. I am lying to everyone, am drinking secretly because it calms the agitation I feel when faced with listening to my parent's, even smelling them (sorry, I know that may sound odd) I do love them, but it feels like sandpaper (the gritty kind) on high speed.

Then there's the planning for "after-arrangements". An obsession with getting everything in order. So in my wise-mind I know this is all dangerous, in my heart I don't care. To answer my own whining, I should probably get back on the meds, but my draw is to move far away from that.

I also know that there will be no let up from visitors. My husband's grandmother is next and she is a high maintenance kind of deal. I'm not sure how I should manage that with working (or not really working very well as I can't concentrate) and my boys with the normal household stuff. If I get more speedy I could just end up in Mexico with a toy-boy (actually that might even be fun for awhile).

Mostly, It is certain that there is a big stop sign at the end of my road and I have no wish to keep travelling. I feel so inwardly drained and lacking hope. I am trying to remember the consequences of my actions I try to remember the "feelings" I should have for those around me. No matter what I do or how I act, I feel guilty and ashamed.

I am fed up with me not being able to respond to "help" or ask for it from the appropriate sources. Being social is just horrible, people make me want to run and hide. I don't know what do you do in this situation? I feel lost.
As my husband said: Suck it up Buttercup.