Hi Maven. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I don't have OCD, but I understand what it's like to feel like a burden. When I had agoraphobia, friends and family had to do a lot of things for me -- like go to the grocery store, do my laundry, help me pay my bills, etc. I felt like a burden all the time. They told me they didn't mind. They told me they were happy to help because they loved me, but I felt so guilty. I just wanted to be NORMAL.

I undertand not wanting to explain everything to someone who doesn't suffer from the same condition. I only told friends and family what I HAD to tell them. I kept a lot to myself. If a friend dropped by for a visit and brought me dinner, I couldn't tell them how I was really feeling about them being there. I would always thank them and say I wasn't hungry and wanted to save my food for later... because I didn't want to have to explain to them that I couldn't swallow anything while another person was in my home. I would feel anxious and want them to leave the whole time they were here. I would try so hard not to let it show because I didn't want to hurt them, but I just felt so full of panic the whole time they were here.

It made me feel guilty and crazy and SELFISH. I felt bad that I couldn't be there to support my friends and family when they needed me. I wanted to be able to be there at the hospital when my brother's daughter was born, but I couldn't leave my home. I wanted to be able to be focused and supportive when a friend came over to talk to me about her man troubles, but all I could think about was how much I wanted her to leave so I could be alone.

I don't know what the solution is. I don't know anything about your boyfriend, but it sounds like he loves you and wants to be with you. If he didn't, he wouldn't still be there. So, I don't have any answers for you. I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to a lot of the frustrations you expressed. I understand wanting to push everyone away and just be left alone with your illness. I wanted to be isolated when I was sick, but it turned out that the isolation made me worse, not better. I think I would have gotten better sooner if I had opened up more about how I was feeling to those who loved me. It might have helped.

Btw, your situation of having to leave your apartment scares the crap out of me. When I read that, it triggered some major anxiety in me. I'm struggling with a terribly messy flat (as I've posted about many times). Now I'm freaking out -- scared that my landlord could see the state of my place and evict me. I don't suppose a note from a doctor expressing that the state of the apartment is due to a mental illness can help in your situation? It seems terribly unfair. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this.