I have had very cyclical depression for a long time. Up until I was 32 I self medicated with drugs and alcohol so that period is confusing. After I got clean and sober and sought treatment for depression it got worse for awhile. Most of my 30's and 40's I could set the calender by my depressions. Three times a year at the same time of year every year. When in them I thought they would never end. I never get to the top of the mountain but 75% of the way up. Since April I have been 75% of the way up and it feels good.

My problem is when I am doing good I set these high expectations for myself. I should be doing this and I should be doing that. Then I get depressed and there is not way I can live up to it.

In recent years the depression has gotten much worse and longer lasting. I don't know why. I am doing good now because I got on some new meds that are working real good. The problem I have now is the unpredictability of the future. I have no idea how long this good spell will last. I have no idea how long the next depressive episode will last or how bad it will be. Meds have never worked very good for me but this time they are working.

I have learned to accept the down times but the up times are making things more confusing for me lately. So I can relate to your question.