I have had 2-3 maternal transference relationships dating back from early childhood that I would describe as intensivley obsessive. But they have been few and far between when compared with how many people I've known and befriended over the years.

It seems to be only a certain kind of person that I am drawn to in this obsessive way - always an older woman who appears to be confident, intelligent, capable, and in some way is able to draw out the part of me that, for lack of a better way to put it, feels like a young child and holds my traumas.

Sadly, these older women that I am drawn to also tend to have very narcissistic qualities, and the relationship takes on a very unequal power balance, where they seem to be the perfect and all powerful benefactor, and I am the scared, inept, in pain needy person who grovels for any crumbs of affection that fall from their table. But at some point, I fail to live up to their expectations and they reject me. Very similar to my relationship with my parents.

Over the years, I have also been drawn in a similar, but much milder way, toward a couple of older men with narcissistic qualities. Neither dynamic is romantic. It's absolutely a maternal or paternal thing. A parent-child dynamic. It's a very rare, but powerful draw when it happens - like a moth to a flame. And it always ends up retraumatizing me.

I find that the unhealthy part of myself is much quicker to bond with and trust someone that I don't feel worthy of, and who is emotionally withholding" than someone trustworthy, like my t.

My t says I have a need to keep "reinacting the trauma from my childhood."

Strangely, I am not drawn into a maternal transference relationship of this sort with older women who willingly offers nurturing care. Neither am I drawn into relationships like this with any of my peers - friends of my own age.