Many times when I think about the decision I made; I know in my heart it was the right one for my kids and I. I guess what the hard part is; I feel like I gave up on the life that I helped create. The picture of the ultrasound plays in my head and I see this little baby growing and the heartbeat; I took it away. How is that right or fair to my baby. I am a mom already and I have fought hard for what my kids deserve; so why did I give up on the one inside of me? For me; this is not a forgivable act. Yes, I was at high risk and my baby was too. But how knows what the outcome would have been and I didnt give my baby a chance at life. I took it away. I am a very lucky person to have what I do in my life; there are so many people who dont have all these things. I am not talking material things; that I dont need; but the beautiful gifts that I have been given. When I went to my mom's last chemo treatment; wow what an eye opener. These young kids with no hair; in pain; walking around with IV's in their fragile arms. I wanted to take all of that pain away for them and make it better. Not even just the little ones; all of those people who are fighting so damn hard to have that time....to live. Here I am; not taking that risk; for my child. And here I am thinking about suicide; how selfish it that!!!!!!! I hate going to that cancer clinic; I leave a piece of me there everytime. But for my mom; I need to be there for her. She has fought so hard and been through so much pain; I would give her my life if I could. Someone like her deserves it more than me. When my mom was pregnant with me; her doctor wanted her to have a DNC because of complications; did she make the wrong choice? When I was at my parents last weekend; My mom said; "Dad was in a good mood, till he saw you". Put the knife in a little further. My dad does not love me anymore because I am depressed and he feels that I am weak and selfish. He has said many times that I am not his daughter. He also said that he would love to keep my kids; just not me. He is right; I am no good. Just like my husband used to say. Why did I not see it before?
itsjustme