@@@@serious trigger warning@@@@

Flipped out and self harmed in a pretty crap attempt of killing myself... Resource at hand just wasn't up to the task.

Feeling so empty right now.

Nurse wanted me to take some calming meds and I initially refused. Seeing everything as pointless... Feel trapped in here, and even more so as I have a semi self imposed exile to my bed area. Some huge Latvian lad has been essentially trying to intimidate nicotine gum off of me... Pretty much became my shadow every time I ventured out to socialise and at one point it could have potentially gone to blows. Yes I have depression, yes I have energy issues... But I somehow can find reserves to square off if some looks like they're about to punch me.

Very exhausting though so even more so staying out of the way. Then the whole catheter situation is continuing... Not been able to pee since last night (15 hours ago) and got it into my head that self administering could damage what work was done that could = me having to wear a catheter long term... Been there before, not thrilled.

Anyway yeah feeling trapped, alone and in pain (bladder is increasing in size).

I guess I have calmed down a little but no doubt ****ed things up... The moments of irrational panic and lashing out on me are being observed.

Sorry, I'm a bit of a mess right now.

My mum was coming up to visit tomorrow with my step dad... Told her it would be a bad idea (by text... Couldn't face talking to her)