First your post makes me a little jealous and then I feel sorry for myself and start crying. My sessions with my therapist are nothing like that. We get into things – but there is no relationship bond where I feel emotions towards her and I wonder about that and wonder if I’m with the wrong therapist, but I’m chicken about changing it. I’m too nice.

Then I thought about my psychiatrist – I really have issues there. I have all the same kinds of emotions towards him like you have for your therapist. I idolize him most of the time and want to be like him and want to be special to him in some way – I don’t know – his favorite or something. Then I get mad at him all the time. I think because he’s not doing what I want.

Almeda24fan said, “I feel like doing that to my T....it's almost like I want him to feel the pain I feel when he pushes me away or I perceive that he is.” Which reminded me that my psychiatrist once told me this analogy – he said imagine a person with a knife who cuts themselves and then comes up to you and cuts you too. The person says “feel that – it hurts, huh.” Then the person puts salt in both wounds and says, “how’s that feel?” That, he said, is what I do – and apparently I’m good at it too. I do it to him. I can be rather mean to people. With him, I know all his weak spots and can exploit them - I try not to do it intentionally, but I do it unconsciously all the time. He opened the door and said he could take it and keep writing and say anything. Now, I’m not sure if I’ve pushed him away – I know I’ve been angling for a fight – of if he’s pushing away from me. I feel so bad – like I’ve messed up and done something wrong and lost what I had. I tend to oscillate between clinging to him and pushing him away. I’ve pushed him too far and now I’m busy asking for forgiveness. But I’ll probably end up pushing again.

“You know, you can talk about throwing that water bottle at me. You can't actually do it, but you can talk about it." – My therapist suggested that I take this tactic with the psychiatrist – talk about wanting to fight with him instead of actually going for a fight. But I’m not good at talking with him – I just react to him.

I'm the same way about being alone - I want to be alone and yet I hate it. I'm desperate for company and companionship, but scared of being rejected or let down. It's really something when I'm feeling all down and lonely and then get mad because my mother calls and interrupts me. What is wrong with me?

The black and white thing (I think it's called splitting) is so hard to get over. Sounds like you've started to be able to identify when you're doing it as you're doing it? I've just started catching myself occasionally. It's progress even if you still do the all bad/all good thing. I do it with people and situations and alternatives.

Pinksoil, wish I could go twice a week to a therapist and see the psychiatrist twice a month. But like you, it’s just too expensive. Instead I go every other week.

I relate so much to what you're going through - so much that I laughed as I read. Except for the experience with the T itself - you're feelings so match mine (only I tend toward depression instead of anger most of the time. The therapist, believe it or not, is encouraging me to try anger.)

I'm sorry I talked so much about me - it's hard for me to shut up. I guess what I wanted to say was know you aren't alone. There are some of us raging and struggling along with you. I'm one.