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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006
Being honest in his statement would be that she is doing things that hurt him. saying someone is scarring you fo r life is neither accurate nor fair. Again, to minimize how someone says things to another is just silly. Much of conversation breaks down not because of intentions or meanings behind the words but the actual words used.
I would not get hurt by someone saying that they were offended by something I did or hurt but if they said I'm the reason they are scarred forever would.
your arguments are on his intentions but most times intentions are not what cause resentment, arguments and pain in relationships. If we always knew what the other meant in their words wow, we'd all be much happier with our partners and friends but unfortunately it is about the words.
I am sure she knows, and I know this is true from many hours of talkign to her, that she knows she hurts her husband and isn't always a perfect wife, that is not a question in my mind.. But if you look at the conversation even in brief and really pay attention you'll realize taht her whole reason for posting isn't about the fact that she falls short and hurts him. Taht is a given and she knows this, it's all about WHAT HE SAID!
Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are good thigns about her husband and I know that, but the fact is that he does need in this case, to stop being a victim of her and not be blaming her for his unhappiness.
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So based on that assessment you believe that he is lying or that if he is telling the truth he should lie?
Personally I don't find fault with what he said IF he honestly feels this way and for the sake of the OP I will believe he is being honest. It is a bold statement and it is better to state it that way then leave room for interpretation. It may be painful but it isn't a personal attack but rather a declaration of feelings - just maybe not a positive one.
People always talk about how open and honest communication is important in a strong relationship but we pick and choose what honesty is the right honesty. We applaud the OP's partner for sticking with her and working with her even though her BPD can cause him pain but then we chastise him when he wants his feelings to be valid?
He could lie and just go along and spare her feelings but is that really fair to him? I understand the OP has BPD and she is not using it as an excuse but rather owning it outright. The only way to get over the ugliness in a relationship (disorder or otherwise) is to face it head on and sometimes it can be unpleasant. If he has indeed been scarred for life by her actions then now it is out there and they can begin the healing. If he never was honest and didn't let her know the extent of his pain then the healing could never fully happen because it was still buried.