Hey everyone...I couldn't find the best category for this....so here we go!

My not so great psych doc got me addicted to HIGH doses of benzodiazopines for about 6 years. This included 7mg xanax per day for 2 years and 4 years of 10+ mg klonopin per day. After a grand mal seizure from many painful horrible withdrawals, I had enough and put myself into a rehab to get off of them forever. I'm currently 18 months without and have absolutely ZERO intrest in taking that class of drug ever again. It wasnt a typical addiction in the sense that I got high, because I never did....it was mostly a physical addiction, so I feel lucky in that way.

In parts, my addiction ruined my life. I lost my job of 9 years and custody of my daughter. So I secluded myself and cut myself off from everyone. Believe it or not I got married during the later parts of this, and I am still happily married.

But now, I have zero friends, and even worse...I could honrstly give a crap less about having any! I am not anxious in public, and have no problem talking to people, ones that I both know and don't know. But whenever I get back to my secluded world, I feel comfy and 'right'. It's like some weird invisible barrier where I know keeping a friendship is too much work I guess? I loathe facebook, and am actually going to delete my account...it feels like I don't want anyone I used to know, to know anything about me, ever again. I feel like I want to disappear somewhere else, and people can forget about me.

My brothers wedding is this next weekend and I am dreading it with every fiber of my being.

Now that I'm typing this, I guess it's possibly shame? Not everyone knows everything, and I know that there were rumors about me that were completely false. I do however live in a new town about 1.5 hours away from where I was previously. But the same feeling goes even with people here. WHY? I don't feel depressed at all (and I have battled depression on and off throughout my life so I do recognize it).

This is obviously bothering me a bit, or I wouldn't feel compelled to write about it. So what do I do? I feel stuck and I don't always want to be/feel like this.