Oh, I so so so get this.

It's been 4 years of depression, and taking medications and a whole crap ton of physical health issues. my official diagnosis is major depression, recurrent, severe, partial remission. It seems lately to be the only awesome thing about me.

I am left with lungs and a brain that does not work right.

I am deeply, madly truly tired. I am tired of trying to perk up. Giving up sounds good, because then I could just relax and not have to figure out everyday how to fool everyone that things are just fine, and somehow fake it. I'm getting beaten up by someone at work and I am just tired of having to defend myself. I don't have the spoons. At this point, I will probably lose my job, and I don't really care, because I can't do it anyway, there's no opportunity for me, and like I said tired.

Dr says well you should exercise, because exercise is as effective as ADs for recovery. I'm like, I was exercising, I was swimming 4k a day while taking ADs; and those studies show it's only effective for mild to moderate depression. I am still depressed even on meds.....so therapy, meds and exercise together could not do it. But thanks for the completely ineffectual lame *** suggestion.

So yeah, I sit here. I am not eating, because it would take too much energy. I am not working because I can't concentrate. It's just that I don't have the energy to fight a losing battle anymore. At some point, the shell shocked wander off the battlefield and sit in catatonia in the woods. That's where I am at.