Wow - I can only apologize for thinking I understood what was being offered as help. I certainly have never meant to upset anyone on this site, I truly was looking for an answer to my real question - "If her being Dx'ed with BPD, how does not raging at the son fit"........and that truly is what I was asking in the first post.

AlteredState, I really thought I understood your first post and it explained how the black and white thinking could come into play with the son. She STATES the son is her favorite - the child she "wanted" vs. her daughter - the one "she got". I actually have 2 "step granddaughters" who I never refer to as "step". I love them as if they were my own children, and yes, I am completely capable of loving a child not born from my own child. My husband and I both have been involved with the "stepson" since he was 7 months old. We have done absolutely nothing different with him than we do with our other grandchildren....until he started with the cursing, spitting, hitting, etc. At that point, we made a decision together that we did not want the other granddaughters around him, as they have never heard the words he uses , nor are they allowed to act out as he does. We did not want them learning bad behavior from him.

Having been a step parent for 25 years, I was always allowed to have "house rules", and use appropriate methods to discipline my stepson. I understand the "legalities" involved with not beating or smacking a child, however, had my husband told me if his son spit in my face, I was not to correct him, my 25 yr marriage would have ended 24 years ago. He lived in our home, he was a part of our family, and he knew what was expected of him. My son LOVES his stepson. He has always treated him as if he were his own.

Yes, I agree 100% my son's drinking is HIS CHOICE. We - my husband and I do not drink, my son was not raised around drinking, but his choice is to drink as he says "to take the edge off her rants and raging"......an excuse? Perhaps - but it is a fact he didnt start until her rages became more and more often and more violent.

I am not a student of psychology, I have a degree in psychology. I have text books and I did read up on BPD before I posted here. I always loved this site, because people who suffer with different diagnoses could help others. I offer help in the anxiety section, as I had panic disorder and was agoraphobic. I worked with the local Mental Health Clinic and only saw clients with PAD. I had no first hand knowledge of BPD, and was confused about the issue I have mentioned. I truly was asking to learn more, and hopefully help me understand. Perhaps I don't understand what I thought was a wonderful explanation by AS in the first response.

I apologize for my thinking I understood this dx better, and will keep researching. Thanks to those who responded....and yes, their relationship is anything but healthy.