Juliana, thanks so much for your comments. They really help me feel supported.

I know how you felt, having someone visit you, but your mind being preoccupied with anxiety-relieving wishes of them to leave. When someone visits my home (which my bf wants much more of when we move), immediately, my mind goes into overdrive, taking note of everything they touch, what I'm going to have to wash (including myself) or wipe with a disinfectant cloth when they leave, what might get thrown away, and how long it'll take to do everything, and how long before I'm able to relax again.

I want to do things with friends and attend events and other things, but usually, thinking out how I'd go about it, if possible, seems more trouble than its worth.

I really hate that my mom talks to her friends about me, because she doesn't understand, even though she says she does (I'm not saying she doesn't try), and they sure as you-know-what don't understand. Plus she often says one thing to me, and then turns around and tells her friends she doesn't know why I don't do this or get that; she often says I "should've known" something, when I've never had the life experience to learn...and it was often her and/or my dad's jobs to make sure I learned it! As I've posted in the past, my idiot cousin's idiot girlfriend who'd never met me came up to me in Wal-mart one day and said right off the bat, "You need to help your mom more." People judge me as selfish (and yes, I am, in some ways, and I'm starting to accept that, instead of trying to change what I can't, and be ok with it), lazy, a bad daughter, etc. A long time ago, when I was a teenager and still lived with my mom, one of my mom's religious friends (the then-wife of the man she helped at the stop next door to the house she used to own) told me I liked having panic disorder and OCD, or I'd stop it.

I could go on and on with things I'm bitter about, stupid things people have said to me, wrongs I feel were done to me, etc., so it's tempting to type and type and type, but I'd also like to get some things done today, so I'll not do a whole lot more of that, LOL!

I actually find I do better without socializing and talking too much. I find the computer the better way for me, and so does my shrink. I don't mean I don't want to get out and that I don't get out, because I do. I mean, all my life, people have tried to force me into social situations, and it just doesn't work. I'm not happy. I was raised an only child, and have always preferred being alone. Not all the time, but most of the time. That's just the way I am, and I'm ok with it.

Too many people think my boyfriend and I should stay together because we've been together a long time. We've both never planned it this way. It's been a matter of convenience. He wants kids and I don't. We love each other, in the sense we care about each other, but we've never been in love with each other. You have to remember, I didn't come from a normal teenagehood. What bothers me is, even my sister doesn't get that. People can't understand from where I come, what anxiety does to you, not going to friends' houses, not learning social skills.

I took job training years ago. I was nice to everyone in the class, and I think part of their treatment of me was because I was quite open about myself and admitted I'd worked for a short time in a peep show, which I'm not ashamed of. The male teacher (he had a female assistant) made jokes about it. The others in class laughed, and when one woman told a story of how her grandmother beat a dog with an ashtray, they all laughed, but I was angry, and the female b**** assistant leaned to her left to peer at me and see the expression on my face, still laughing. I gave them rides because I had a car (my mom's car) with me. I don't remember how we got on the subject, but the class talked about blowjobs, and I said my then-boyfriend took a long time, and the male teacher, in front of everyone, said, "Maybe you're doing it wrong!" and everyone laughed hysterically. Why do people treat me like that? I really was a nice person.

When I worked at a local newspaper as a telemarketer selling the paper, I couldn't eat there, because of my OCD. I didn't give a lot of info about it, but I explained it was a problem for me. When they ordered pizza, I offered to chip in, and my b**** boss said, "No! We don't want your money! You won't eat with us!" I know eating is a social thing, but I couldn't help it.

These are just a couple of reasons why I don't like to socialize. I don't fit in, and of course, my OCD issues are another reason.

Our landlady is, as my boyfriend puts it, "really picky." Yours may not be. In our purchase of this house, he met another guy who happened to have lived here. He asked how did we like the landlady. My boyfriend said, "She's very..." and was going to say, "Picky," but the guy interrupted, "She's a b****!" LOL! A kindred heart!

I mentioned our being kicked out to my shrink, hoping she'd help me out, but she said, "Oh, yeah, you have to keep your apartment clean." No matter how much I said it wasn't "filthy" as the landlady said, she didn't seem to believe me. A lot of people don't. Those who have seen the photos and even seen our apt. in person do believe me, saying it's not at all filthy, at worst it looks "lived in," like some college dorms. My bf's sister is really p***ed that they're treating us like this. I can't say if your doctor would help you, but if it came up, I'd give it a shot.

I don't know Canada laws in regards to your rights as a mentally ill or disabled person, and your real estate rights, but it wouldn't hurt to look up information and educate yourself. Even our lawyer wasn't helpful (well, we'd seen two, the second was a little more helpful, although not by much) in helping me defend my rights as a disabled individual, even though we had both (digital) photos and videotape showing our place. Neither even looked at them. But they did have some useful advice, even though it goes against my nature: While you want to "cooperate," at the same time you don't, because you want to buy time. That can really help you have time to find another place. However, it is unlikely we'd be able to get another apartment (which screws me over if I want to and could get one of my own), because they'd check references and our landlady certainly wouldn't give us a good review.