I was raised in a strict environment, with the idea that I could get one and only one boyfriend, lose my virginity to him, and eventually marry him.

I was sexually abused by an acquaintance when I was 25 - I became psychologically traumatized, but it did not involve my losing my virginity.

Finally, I started dating someone this year (I'm 27, he was 26 and out of a long-term relationship for one year).

He started pressuring me for sex pretty early (even though he was aware of my past abuse), and I "gave in" two months into the relationship (we started dating after a 5-month friendship). The whole act was painful, I asked him to stop at a certain point, because I couldn't stand the pain any more, but he didn't stop until he was done. I bled profusely for 3-4 days and felt pain in that area for nearly one week.

We had agreed to meet the day after, but to my disappointment, he eventually refused to meet, because he was too busy (as he was getting ready for a two-week trip). So I was alone, bleeding, worried... He left for the trip and lost interest in talking to me once he knew I wasn't bleeding any more. He would hardly talk to me afterwards, spending his free time checking porno (as I could see from his Facebook). He only regained interest the day before his arrival.

I felt the whole situation was disturbing, was feeling awful about myself, and told him I wanted to break up. But he had a book I wanted back. He told me I had to go to his place if I wanted the book back. Once I was there, he was trying to emotional blackmail me ("we have been through so much together, it's a pity if we break up now"), and pressuring for sex again (trying to show me his private area).

Last thing he said, he had bought a new bed and invited me to try it out. I blocked him on my phone and on Facebook, after sending a message explaining I do not wish to see him again.

I feel bad about myself because I couldn't do it to the standard my parents wanted for me, but at the same time I feel grossed out by my now ex. I can't help but mourn my virginity :-(

And now I'm afraid of sex after this experience. Is it normal to feel the way I'm feeling?