I just don't think having family and maybe a few friends get together for a BBQ and fireworks is unrealistic. That's what they're doing anyways, just somewhere else. Well, except for my mom, who has to do laundry and pack all day. She actually said she hopes it doesn't take all day. Family is important to me for some reason. I like having all my close family around me. I love when we do birthday or holiday get togethers and all the family is there. So it just hurts that no one wants to do it also. It just feels like they don't care about me.

I know I should see my therapist about this, but we don't have the extra money right now. We haven't even paid our mortgage yet, let alone paying to see her. And I definitely don't have the money to see my pdoc. Last night, I was going in and out of feeling depressed, including brief seconds of suicide, to anger that this is even happening again. I had to take an Ativan to calm down and go to sleep. My chest hurt so much from crying and it felt like I needed to scream.