i'm not sure he really does care.

i'm not quite sure how it happened but i ended up talking to him about some of my experiences with community mental health back home. about how i could hardly say a word to my first therapist. i would feel all choked up and hardly said a word. saw her for a year and a half and one day she said that she had run through all the cognitive behaviour strategies for someone with my problems and what did i want to talk about? i said 'i don't know' and she said 'well you may as well leave then'. that i got put in the control group for DBT then community mental health refused to treat me saying DBT was the only thing that would help me. i wrote the DBT people a letter and said it was unethical for them to run a control group that was meant to be 'treatment as usual' when community mental health was refusing to treat due to the introduction of the program. they ended up dissolving the control group and i got to do dbt. after dbt (which was great) nobody would work with me. therapists got burned out with me.

he said he wouldn't get burned out because he looked after himself and took time off and had a full and busy and varied life outside of his work.

i then told him that since the psychologists refused to work with me (because it was in my file that my clinicians burned out and that i functioned too highly to qualify for treatment and that i'd shown no progress in 4 years of therapy and that their money would be better spent elsewhere) i'd work with p-docs or registrars (p-docs in training). that after a couple months they would move on.

that it was hard when they left. that i'd usually end up in hospital for a time. that it wasn't so very hard that they left (hard to get attached in a couple months). what was harder was not knowing what would happen with me once they left. whether someone else would be assigned to me or not. whether i'd get on with them or not.

he doesn't give a %#@&#! about me. he lives a varied busy life outside therapy and his wifes having a baby. woo hoo for him.

i told him i read linehans manual and it helped but it didn't cure me. talked to him about my thesis. he said 'quite often people try and cure themselves'. i was like 'yeah well what are you supposed to do when nobody will work with you'.

i feel cold.

he was like 'i guess i am taking quite a bit of time off'. i was like 'i'll be ok. it isn't like you haven't had time off before'. he was like 'yeah, but not for this long'. i was like 'well you took 2 weeks off over christmas and then we had a session or 2 and then you took another 2 weeks off'. i think he couldn't wait for me to get the hell out of there.

yeah well whatever.

i'm sure i'll be all apologetic but it might well take 1 or 2 or more likely 3 weeks for me to feel that way.

right now... i don't %#@&#! need him. ok?