This might be a long one. It took me 2hours to get my son back to sleep. Is it wrong for me to say; its so frustrating sometimes. I dont blame him and I never get angry with him; but I find it hard to cope with him some days. He has many medical problems. From epilepsy, severe migranes (enough for ER visits), ADHD, speech difficulties, frequent nightmare episodes, agression (which gets better at times), school difficulties, social skills (not so good). I find it sssssooooooo frustrating at times but I do what I can to help my son. I love everything about him. I have taken parenting courses and have spoke to many different agencies and parents that go through the same thing. I follow recommendations and do my best to provide a good quality of life for him. He is amazingly bright. His IQ score was way above average for his age. He has struggled in school since the begining but wow he has come far. He has an aid to assist him everyday. This past year I was envolved with him almost everyday at school as well as his fellow classmates. His principle asked me to assist her with the special needs course that she provides the kids that are struggling. I helped at his school and did a lot of work at home. I enjoyed it very much. I worried though about all of these kids; its heartbreaking what they go through. When my mood started to slip I had to back off some because it was too much with the court issues, family issues etc. I felt guilty; like I wasnt putting enough effort into these kids. My daughter started to feel left out of the picture; she started to say things like; I want to die sometimes. I took her in to see someone and they talked to her for a few months. I began to realize that I was sinking all this time into my son and left her with a feeling of emptiness. I started making mother daughter days and it improved her self worth very much. I got caught up in helping my son that I forgot about her and what she is going through. When my kids feel sad about me and dad getting a divorce; I answer questions as best as I can; without blame; I never say anything negative about dad to them; its not fair to do that. I always tell them its not their fault. Am I doing this right with them? It was unbelievable when they recently brought up things of the past; when they were so young. One night my husbands temper blew; cant remember why. He literally threw the kitchen table at me then the chairs. He grabbed things that I held dearly to me; things given to me by my mom; things from my grandmother after she died. He broke it all. He called me every name in the book. Anyway; my daughter brought this up a few weeks ago. You know, I had no idea that they were right there. My son said, "Mom, we were upstairs, hiding behind the couch. We thought daddy was going to hurt you bad."
Why the hell did they deserve to go through that. Why did I not leave him sooner? They have held this in their little heads all this time. Its like they froze in fear. Then I end up falling apart; ended up in hospital after this incident. Lovely, leave my babies with this man. 2 months in the ward. I was released after this time spent; went home and found out my husband had a few girlfriends on the side. My mom was diagnosed with cancer. About a few weeks later; my dear sweet cousin; commited suicide. Well guess where I ended up, back in hospital for another 2 months. This girl I knew from high school was also admitted at the time. We talked a lot and became close. She was close to being discharged and I was so happy for her; get back to her gorgeous daughter. I was not to far from leaving too. 3 days after she was discharged; she killed herself and her mom found her. I cant believe that I did not see the signs. Before she left the hospital she wanted to talk to me. She told me how much she cared about me, that I never judged her for her mistakes. She said I will always be with her. She thanked me and left. What the heck was wrong with me; why did I not see it. I did not leave soon after that. I took off from the hospital and went to the nearest liqour store. I bought a whole bunch of little bottles. I then went to the drug store and bought sleeping pills. I took it all. I passed out at my old high school when the police found me. I ended up certified. All the while my kids were at home wanting and needing their mom. All the while others were suffering and wanting life. I dont remember much about when the police arrived at the school that night. An ambulance came and I guess I totally freaked out. When I came to; I had bruises on my wrists from hand cuffs. Apparently I kicked a cop and hit a nurse. I thought of my goodness; I have never hurt anyone like that before; I am not a violent person. Eventually I got better enough to half as... function and they sent me home. My marriage fell apart, my kids fell apart. And I am guilty. When does it end. When do my kids get a shot at life. When I am gone.
Jury found me guilty.....I am the jury.
itsjustme