Oh Jinny- I often think the VERY same way. I've been quite sure this is hell, just so much bad and sometimes feels there's not a place to turn to. and in my case-- there is NO justice.

I'm sorry you are feeling similar.

Sometimes people try to put reason to the chaos-- like blaming oneself in a past life, or wondering how they could have done this or that different. I don't believe it has anything to do with you-- it just is. Like a tree that gets struck in two by lightening-- it just happened to that tree. I don't believe there is rhyme or reason(concerning the survivor) to the abuse when one is a child- it just happens.
Well, that's what I've found to be the best way to think, so I don't get too bogged down with shame and guilt-- though I do still struggle with said feelings-- they are decreasing, as I continuously play new tapes through my head-- like-- "it wasn't my fault, it wasn't anything I had control over or caused". (not sure if this way of thinking would help you-- just thought I'd share)

Please know-- you are not a bad person and not selfish. I think it's very OK to express your feelings here-- it can help sometimes when we give them a voice.

jinny-

mandy