I had a couple of horrible days.. My family has a tradition of throwing a huge ''party'' on midsummer's eve. Participation is of course mandatory for me and my sister. I've had a rough week anyways and having to interact with like 40 people and pretending that everything is perfect in my life almost made me collapse. I did manage to get through the day but I had a huge panic attack/crying episode when I finally had a couple of minutes to myself. I even self harmed... I'm just feeling shame, worthlessness and total despair. How can't I even manage to pretend that everything is okay for 1 freaking day...

I probably appeared quite rude because I did my best to avoid long conversations. I guess I was afraid that people would realize my real feelings.. I feel like I'm on the brink of major collapse. I can hardly breathe because of the anxiety and depression.. Meds are doing nothing for me. I thing I might end up in a psych ward if this continues.