Well, after this week, I think this warranted a post here just to get some opinions.

I don't know if I'm developing an eating disorder or if I'm just on a destructive path determined to hurt myself. Maybe both.

I haven't self-injured (cutting) in 94 days. I miss it. But I know that it was interfering with my life and that I had to stop. Even though I didn't want to.

Recently, within the last month or so, I have been restricting, amongst other things. It started out harmless with me counting carbs to lose weight and has escalated into something else.

I restrict, write down all my food with carbs and calories (though I'm watching net carbs mostly), don't drink any beverages but water, am cutting food in tiny pieces, will not eat in front of others, eating slowly, chewing and spitting things out, and am taking some weight loss supplements.

My parents brought home Subway tonight and the sandwich still sits here in front of me. Whenever they want me to eat with them or my mom cooks a meal, all I can think about is figuring out how to avoid eating or make it look like I've eaten.

This week has been particularly bad. I overate last night after not having eaten all day and I felt horrible. Both physically and mentally. I felt sick to my stomach and then I felt incredibly guilty, and then the only thing I could think to do was to purge it. I didn't end up making it that far. I've never purged before because I absolutely hate throwing up, but I have seriously considered it several times, and almost did last night.

With some basic knowledge, I know that these symptoms pretty much fit an eating disorder. The thing is, I know I should tell someone, but looking at me, you'd never know. I am very overweight and at first this started off as a simple diet, trying to eat well and lose some weight in a healthy way. Now I feel like I've crossed into an entirely different realm. I have no idea how to explain this to my T. I want to and know I should, but she, being the skinny attractive well put together individual, is going to look at me and be like, yeah you're full of it.

So I don't really know what to do at this point other than to keep it a secret. And to be honest, I don't think I want to stop. I want to drop this weight once and for all and I like being able to control it. And on the flip side of that, I'm angry at myself. I just seem so determined to keep hurting myself in one way or another and I'm just so mad at myself.

If you were able to make it through the whole story, I would really appreciate some input. I don't really know what I'm doing or thinking anymore.