TipToeTulips:

I don’t know if you still post on this forum but I can completely identify with your story. It’s not you. You are not crazy. There is nothing wrong with you and you are 100% right for feeling the way you do. I’ve just had a similar situation with someone who is Bi-Polar. In fact, I Googled “heartbroken bipolar” and stumbled upon this page. Here’s my story…

3 months ago I moved to the same town as my sister to be closer to her. I also joined the gym that she belonged to because I figured we could be workout buddies but due to an unexpected change in her work scheduled, that didn’t plan out as planned. When initially joining the gym, you receive 3 complimentary personal training sessions. My appointment was booked by the front desk. When the time and date of my appointment came, I met my new trainer. HIM.


His name was “T” and he was incredibly handsome and tall. I’m talking 6’8”. He was gorgeous, had this great smile and I was instantly attracted to him. “T” & I spent the next hour and a half together talking about everything from personal training, what my diet plan should be, things gym related, personal stories, shows we watch on tv, everything. Came to find out that he just moved to the same area as I did too, from out of state and really didn’t know anybody. So joking around, I told him “Hey, we can be buddies”.


After my 3 free sessions of training were expired, “T” asked me how serious I was about continuing training. I explained to him that I had just moved closer to my sister because I had been laid off months ago from my job, was on unemployment at the time and that I really couldn’t afford to do it. He said to me “Don’t worry about it. I’ll train you”. I told him that I couldn’t pay him and his response was “I know you can’t. That’s why I want to help you. I can sense that you want this, to make yourself feel better with all that you are going through. Plus I enjoy helping people”. In hindsight, I should have seen that as a red flag. But vulnerable me saw it as here was someone who genuinely was trying to help me. I’m not sure if I can even call myself vulnerable. I mean, wouldn’t most normal people see that as a kind gesture of help?


Anyhow, from then on, “T” and I had trained 3-4 times a week together for the next several weeks. The first week we worked out together, talk, share stories, laugh, and became friends. We would email back and forth when I wasn’t in the gym, talking about diet plans and keeping track of what I was eating, etc. It was great. Here was working out with this handsome man, who I thought was so sweet and intelligent, amazing all around and we had a lot in common. It felt magical. Every day I couldn’t wait to see him. But because we had a professional connection, I was nervous to cross the boundaries. Then, one day out of the blue he text me to ask me out. He told me some people from the gym were going out for drinks and asked me if I wanted to come. I was ecstatic.


I met him for drinks and needless to say I had the time of my life. As the night winded down, “T” asked me if I wanted to go back to his house, just to hang out. We went back to his house and stayed up all night until the sun came up talking about everything. We shared stories about our childhood, where we grew up, past relationships, you name it. I really felt me and “T” were connecting and bonding even closer. Then he tried to kiss me. I told him no and told him that I’m not looking to have just a physical relationship with somebody. He kept pushing and pushing and I still said no. He then said “Okay, we’ll take it slow and see where it goes”. He asked me if I would stay with him over night, no sex, just to lie in bed together and talk and cuddle and that we’ll spend the next day together. It felt awesome hearing him say that. It made me feel that he really respected my feelings, that he just didn’t want sex from me and that he sincerely liked me just as much as I liked him. So I smiled and gave him a kiss. We ended up staying up all night talking. We woke up the next afternoon and he made me breakfast. We ended up spending the day together and it was awesome. Like you, even thought it was fast, I was starting to feel that maybe something was developing here.


“T”’s worked 14 hour days Mon-Fri. He told me at the beginning of us seeing each other, that it would be spotty because of his schedule. I understood and because I had a life of my own going on as well, I had no problem with seeing him whenever I did. I didn’t see him outside of the gym until the following weekend. During the week, he didn’t try calling me or texting me, but I did see him in the gym. The following weekend, he called me on Saturday and asked me to come with him to a party at his friend’s house. He also asked me to stay over again and that the next day we would spend the day together and that he would take me out to dinner. We when got to the party, we had a few drinks like people normally do. After about an hour or so, I saw “T” chugging from a bottle of scotch. He went from chugging scotch, to chugging vodka, to chugging another hard liquor I don’t recall all within less than 2 hours. I thought maybe because he was a big guy, that maybe he had a high tolerance. Long story short, I had to end up driving his car, with us in it, back to his home and stayed the night because he black outed drunk .


Then next day, he woke up around 1pm in the afternoon in a panic. I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he had plans to go to this boss’ house for a bbq that afternoon and needed to get ready to go. So I said, “Wait a minute? I thought we were spending the day together?” He said, “Sorry I forgot. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll take you this week.”. Of course, I felt very hurt but I let it go, gave him the benefit of the doubt and waited to see what he did during the week. While he was getting ready, I saw him take some medication. He had 3 very large bottles of pills on his dresser. When I asked him what they were for, he told me “I’m bipolar. I’m supposed to be taking all 3 but the other 2 have side effects I can’t handle”.
I didn’t fully know what bipolar was. I know that it meant manic-depressive, because as a young girl, my mother’s friend had it and was hospitalized several times because of it but I didn’t know all the details. Needless to say, I found out VERY quickly. Just like you, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into either. I just thought it was something he would take medication for…like depression or anxiety and that he would be fine like everyone else. I was really naïve about the whole thing. Boy, I wish I knew then what I know now.


So the week passed by, I really didn’t get a chance to go to the gym much because I was busy and of course “T” never kept his plan of taking me out to dinner. Friday came along and there was a terrible lightning storm in our area that blew out a transformer, leaving me without power. Not wanting to stay home by myself in the dark, I text messaged “T”, told him what happened and he told me to come over.
When I drove over to “T”’s house, I called him to let him know I was there and to open the door. His cell phone was dead and went straight to voicemail. I knocked on the door, to have two of his roommates to answer. They told me that “T” had been drinking and was blacked out in his bed. They offered to let me to inside to try to wake him up. One of his roommates said “He drinks so much all the time”. I had just spoken to him a half hour prior. This lead me to think “How much is he drinking when I’m not around, compared to how much he drinks when I was around”. I went into his bedroom and he was out cold. I tried whatever I could think of to wake him. Nothing. So I sullenly laid in the bed next to him, tearing up and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning to him cuddling up behind me, wrapping his arms around me. I pushed him away. He asked me why I was I so upset. I told him because he had told me to come over, I drove all the way there in the pouring rain and he was blacked out drunk. That it made me feel that he didn’t even care that he had disappointed me. He told me I was being ridiculous and turned his back to me. He told me that I had to leave soon because he had to go to work. Again, him not keeping plans, just like your guy. This was all starting to build me up to feel depressed, alone and miserable. I kept questioning as to why was this great guy who was so kind and genuine and compassionate and caring of me when I first met him, now being so dismissive of me? Was it something that I did? Was I being too clingy? Was I asking for too much? What was it?!


The following week I didn’t go to the gym much either. I was upset about what was going on between me and “T” and I wanted to give things so space. He text me that Friday night and asked me why haven’t I been to the gym all week. I didn’t want to ruffle his feathers, so I just told him that I had been busy. He told me that he was sorry he hadn’t been in touch either, that he was really busy and stressed out with work and that he missed me. He asked me if I would come over, cuddle with him and watch movies. So of course, thinking he was legit and missing him too, I obliged.


When I got to “T”’s house, he was so affectionate with me. Holding me, caressing me, telling me how gorgeous I was. Telling me there was no other woman in the world that he wanted to be with more than me. Telling me how awesome I’ve been to him and that it meant so much to him that I reached out to be so kind to him knowing that he didn’t know anybody in the area. All these left me feeling elated. This is exactly what I’ve been waiting to hear from him. Long story short, this lead to us finally having sex. And it was great. Passionate, romantic, sensual, you name it. Absolutely amazing.


The weeks that passed after that, things between us seemed to be back to normal. We were working out together in the gym almost every day again, saw each other on the weekends, everything was great. Then, I was late with my period. Of course, like any normal female, I was nervous and I turned to “T” for support. He told me whatever the situation was that he would be there for me and that we would work it out together. This calmed my fear. I made an appointment with my doctor to find out what was going on and it turned out that I was indeed pregnant. When I told “T” the news, he lashed out at me and said “I can’t have a baby with you. Make an appointment and I’ll pay for it” and hung up on me. I was completely shocked and taken back by his comment. Here he was telling me we’ll handle the situation together should there be an occurrence just a few short days ago and now he was completely dismissive of the whole situation all together! When I tried to call him back, he didn’t answer. I called and called and called. He didn’t answer. I sent text messages, nothing. I was so devastated; I didn’t know what to do. I was completely beside myself. The hurt, the pain, it was so unbearable. I was literally sick to my stomach for days. I went to the gym to talk to him discretely and he wouldn’t speak to me. I hid in the ladies locker room hysterical crying. I felt so hurt, alone and abandoned. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. For almost 2 weeks I tried contacting him and he still blew me off. I was so sick, so stressed out that I miscarried. As horrible as an experience as it was, maybe it was God intervening for a reason.

After my miscarriage, I spent weeks away from the gym. I couldn’t bear to see “T”’s face. It was just too painful. I went to see a therapist to recover and heal myself for this terrible situation I was in. I felt all this unresolved feelings of hurt and he was no help with his lack of response. I still felt compelled to tell him how much he had hurt me and that I had miscarried. I mean, didn’t he even care to know whether or not he was going to have a child?! My therapist suggested I try writing him a letter, telling him how I felt. So I did so. I put it in an envelope and put it to the side for when I was ready to give it to him. Finally after a few more weeks, I returned back to the gym. I was after all a paying member and I wanted to refocus on getting myself back into my routine. The day I decided to give him my letter, I walked up to him and said I had something for him. He nastily said “What is it?” I said just read it.


Days passed and of course I didn’t hear a word from him. It wasn’t until a week and a half later when I was walking into the locker rooms that I literally bumped into him coming the other way. I took him by his wrist and I said “Hey, we need to talk”. He said “Not here”. I said “Can we go somewhere and talk?” He said “Not now”. I said “Okay, then when?” He said that he would call me later that night. He also followed up with saying “You are acting ridiculous. You need to grow up.” This made me SO irate. I said, “No. YOU need to grow up. And you need to stop lying and you need to start taking responsibility for your actions and stop blaming me for everything. Do you even know I had a miscarriage?!” He looked at me and I walked away crying. Of course, he never called me.


So, I texted him and told him everything that I felt. His response to me was “I got evicted out of my house today because of a disagreement with my roommates. I have a **** load going on with work. I have worse problems than to deal with you. You’re unstable. You are threatening and that scares me. If you don’t leave me alone, I’m getting an order of protection against you.” WHAT?! I was in total utter disbelief!!!! I could not BELIEVE that this man was blaming me and calling me unstable, threatening and scary!!! He just told me he got evicted out of his house (which I’m sure was due to his roommates not tolerating his alcoholic binging and behavior), hours prior he told me that he would call me to discuss our situation yet he couldn’t recognize his behavior and was calling me unstable for contacting him about something he agreed to talk about?! WTF was going on here.


I was so deeply devastatingly heartbroken. I couldn’t believe this man who was so kind and sweet and what I thought was genuine, who offered to help me out in the beginning at his own free will had turned into this monster. What happened to that sweet guy? I was so confused and broken and ironically, I still cared for him and was worried about where he was staying now that he was evicted and didn’t really know anyone in our area. Why did I still care about this man who was so horrific to me? I am still completely destroyed inside. This only happened a few days ago. I’m still pining for find out answers from him and why he treated me and acted to me this way. I can’t seem to move on and get over it. I’ve continued to speak to my therapist but everything with her is text book. None of my friends and family understands how I feel because they never experienced it firsthand. I feel like nobody understands how I feel and that nobody understands that I just can’t get over it. Like you said, any kind of human response from him, “I’m sorry”, any recognizing, accountability, acknowledgement, ANYTHING. It’s so hurtful and painful. And like you said, I don’t know if “T” will ever do that either. I am completely heartbroken. I have the same unanswered questions as you do…How did I get so lost with his man? How does an intelligent person end up there? How much of his mental illness did this? How does a person just flip like that? The only thing that’s getting me out of the house is that I have to work in order to survive. I’m an intelligent woman for Christ’s sake. I’m a paralegal with a bachelor’s degree in criminal justice from a highly accredited university. Why is it that I can’t let go of what this man did to me?!

Thank you TipToeTulips for sharing your story. It’s somewhat comforting to know that I’m not alone in this.