Supanova, I know you are smart. You are. I've read your posts right from the start, and can say that with absolute confidence.
Now listen, here's the thing -- Plzsti makes a really important point. When we get to a place like where you are right now, we lose our rational thought. It's simply overcome by the intensity of our emotional state. There is no shame in that, it is simply a fact. Thinking goes black & white. And our thoughts feel so totally rational. BUT THEY AREN'T. You know this. In less stressed times, you would see it. You need to trust that knowledge, even and especially because you can't see it now.

No, it wouldn't be the worst thing. The worst thing would be to let pride , fear and unwarranted shame override what you know deep down -- that you need to REACH OUT AND GET HELP RIGHT NOW.

PLEASE.