Thank you SnakeCharmer!

That was illuminating. It's only taken me over forty years to get here! I think I might wrap it all up and label it 'letting go'. Letting go of all the restrictions my illness has placed on my life. Letting go of the negative thinking and the pain.

"By counteracting these thinking distortions, we are able to change our feelings." I had not put it in quite those terms but it makes a great deal of sense. I think I had reached the point where it was either change my thinking or just go ahead and jump off the dam bridge.

I recently celebrated the first anniversary of my husband's death, and the death of a very abusive relationship. I changed from SSI to the VA, had some changes in medication and of course, had to change all of my caretakers.
That is a lot of changes for one year.

I don't put much stock in entire schools of therapy. You can have 46 degrees and read a thousand books about PTSD and BP and anxiety disorder, etc.
But if you've never been there...

I respect your opinion because you have been there and I thank you for your thoughtful reply. And congratulations on finding a way to control this yourself! Tea