You sound so sad. I can identify with your need to be so different from your mother. I am much older than you and even though my mother has been dead for 13 years, I can still feel what it's like to want to live a life that is the opposite of hers. My mom pretended that the first 13 years of my life didn't exist, because the family was so dystunctional during that period. Hence, my tendency to split bigtime. When I became a mom myself, my guiding principal became "Whatever she did, I'll do the opposite." That worked for a long time until now, I am in my 50s and I have major life issues (kids with serious health problems, etc.). Now, I realize I have to do what is right for me, whether or not that is the opposite of what my Mom did. I realize that she did the best she could given the cards she was dealt. When my mom was sick and dying, I became her caretaker and the tables were turned. However, my taking care of her began long before her illness. You have a beautiful core and have your own life to live that is separate from your mom's. Her shame is not your shame. Be good to yourself.