I have my session tomorrow and I look forward to it. I want to be there with her. An hour isn't anywhere near enough. I don't even need to talk, just to be there. I would love to just lay onher couch and sleep.. sleep peacefully and feel safe knowing she's there. Sometimes I arrive there with that fantasy in mind and feel dreamy-eyed, sleepy.

I saw this question on a thread somewhere here but not sure where and I lost track of it: who do you take to your session, the adult you or the child you?

If you take the adult you, how do you manage that?

Sometimes I can start out talking without feeling anything.

But then there are times, when we talk and I begin to let the feelings come, then I feel like a very small child.A those times, I can't seem to talk about the feelings or situations without feeling them intensely. I try hard to avoid feeling them intensely because all I will do then is cry and when I cry I look stupid and I can't talk and I can't think and I think it just ruins everything. So then I reign myself back in and there I am at feeling nothing again.

Will this get better so I can be an adult and have intelligent adult-like discussions instead of meltdowns that are point less?

I know I want to tell her about the dream I had that she was in and I know it is revealing of my neediness for her so at the same time I don't want to tell her.

I try to fight the feelings I have for her. The last session, during a silence I realized I was feeling close to her and I felt desparate. I couldn't look at her but fleetingly. I stole glances, finally resting my gaze on her open kind welcomnig face and then her forearms and hands that look so gentle and warm and secure. I don't want to have feel this. I don't want to have these feelings!! And at the same time I want her to come put her arm around my shoulders and hold me and let me hold onto her and cry and talk to her that way.

What good is all this neediness and desire to be loved by your T when it is not real? It is just frustrating and seems so pointless.

And I'm not over the last transference yet and in fact it still causes me daily pain because I want to be with her; she is secure and nurtuting and kind. .

I know there is an intellectual component to therapy and I am very intererested in that. I'm afraid I'll never ge there though if I can't get a grip on the desire to be mothered and taken in by the T. I want that love so intensely but it isn't real so how is it helping me?!

Just don't know what to make of it.

ECHOES