I think you are well on the way of dispensing with the way your mom was/is and how it affected you. (((hugs))) for that. I'm glad your T was able to help you to see how mom's affect those around them simply by going by the title of "MOM."

If you decide to caregive your mom... when you go to NY... then do it. But don't do it out of obligation or anger because she won't or can't for herself.

My mom is in her late 80s... she still takes care of herself mostly... and when she asks me to do something for her, it isn't because she can't it's because she wants ME to do it for her. Sometimes I can grant her request, sometimes not. It has nothing to do with love.

Sometimes I have to view her and her actions and words as I would anyone I would help in a nursing home. (I used to volunteer at some.) I try to see the hilarity in her motives like I would them in the home... and enjoy just who they are today... now... and hope they are doing their best.

I try to take what I'm learning from my mom and help make it easier for my sons with me in the future IDK it seems that no matter how we do it, kids want things opposite of their parents...making things for them just like their grandparents