Has anyone seen American Werewolf in London, where everyone else knows who he is apart from him? They try to tell him, but he is in denial.

And then he realises....................

That's where I am. All my life I have thought I was OK / normal and now I am beginning to see just how messed up I am.

I am starting to hold back from people, realising that I will never be able to have the type of relationship with others, that people who are not like me have.

I am tired of pretending, hoping that next time it may be different, that I will find relationships / friendships OK.

It is too painful to each time struggle to maintain those friendship, that now it feels easier to not bother, to not have the struggle.

It is sad...or do I mean I am sad, but like that Werewolf, maybe it is time to accept and realise there is nothing I can do to change how I am.

What's the best I can hope for? Does it mean that I am wasting my time and money on therapy, that it will never fix me, just reinforce how very difficult I find things.

I saw a counsellor the other week (during my T termination phase, that in the end wasn't) - she talked of my insecure attachments - I have read some stuff about it today and can relate to insecure avoidant attachment. How on earth do you even start to fix this with a T, that you know isn't going to be around forever, that can't be there everyday when things are tough - a T that used to encourage emails, then stopped responding to them - doesn't that just reinforce the fact that there will never be someone there for me that I can trust.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, I am not totally sure I know what I am saying.