Hi Newfie girl.

I have been living with severe PTSD & debilitating Depression for 25 years. My illness stemmed from ‘Torture trauma’ (details withheld at this stage). I have been in and out of therapy, on umpteen different medications, ostracised by family, friends and colleagues, and shunned by society in the search for an answer, just an inkling of how to get myself ‘well’. Almost 2 years ago I said ….ENOUGH!….I mean, really, what’s the point of living a ‘quarter life’. A life with constraints put in place by all those that said throughout those 25 years ‘To hell with you, you’re not one of us’. All those lost years of being afraid to live my life because I was told over and over that I didn’t fit in, that I was damaged and therefore not quite good enough.

It really can be a matter of 'Faking it till you make it' Truly! I'm in the process of re-inventing myself.....this in no way comes easy. It helps to have a plan, and know what you want. It has taken me 25 years to finally get up and try doing it. I fail everyday....sometimes I don’t get even close to motivated, but you have to keep an eye out for those fleeting moments of inspiration, grab them with both hands. I'm a work in progress, sometimes its hard to know where to start......and I know it may sound a little flaky, but I started with the image of me I wanted for myself (no one else) and just started chipping away. I know I will get there......it just takes time. I have been a draftsman for a lot of my adult life (albeit off and on). Whenever I would make a big error on hand drawn schematics it was always easier to start again rather than make amendments to a messy drawing……So I have now done the same thing with the old damaged, broken, messy me….Thrown her in the trash, and started again.

I changed my name, moved to a different State and chose to be different, chose to be the me I want to be. Not better, not worse, just different. It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile is. It’s not the solution for everyone, and I totally get that. But I handed myself over to so called professionals and well meaning family members for a quarter of a century, and it didn’t do a damn bit of good. So this has to be better than the hell I was living. I don’t necessarily choose happy as that’s a concept I’m yet to become familiar with……..I choose life.

Be kind to yourself Newfie girl. Q.L