Most of the time during the day I'm ok. Atleast I can fake that I'm ok to avoid the "why would anyone want to be near someone who is so depressed" that I get from my mother. But nighttime is a totally different story. It's like the second I lay down and am finally alone, this wave comes crashing in and my brain goes a million miles a minute. All of the people who decided I wasn't worth it run through my head, then a just a blubbering mess laying there feeling like I have to find some way justifing why I'm alive (my best friend died at 14 and I always knew it should have been me) and finding nothing. I wish that I could just take a tranquilizer and fall asleep the second I lay down so I don't have to go through this. I can't talk to anyone about it. I lost my best friend because I talked to her about this, I'm too afraid to talk to the one friend I have because I'm afraid to lose him (even though he says I can talk to him), and my mother recently told me that depression isn't real, that If I just stop feeling sorry for myself I'd be fine, so she's out. I know that it can't be everyone else who has the problem, it's obviously me. I need to change about 90% of who I am or die alone, but I don't know how. I can't keep living like this. If I could skip past nighttime I'd manage. Anyone know how to get past this?

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