So it has been over a month since I had a session that ended badly - (short synopsis: I had accessed a lot of childhood pain during session, T ended the session while I was still in a bad place, I was unable to shift into a better place on my own, I made a suicidal gesture that resulted in me being handcuffed by the police).

Since then, T and I have talked many times about what happened. He says that I wasn't communicating with him in that session so he didn't know what was going on with me and he wonders if I need more support in between sessions than he is willing to provide. I have lost some trust in him and have lost some feeling of safety in opening up to difficult feelings with him. We are both trying to get past this, but it has been difficult.

I am very confused about whether or not it is in my best interest to move on to another T. I love my current T and want to stay with him, but he is very clear about his boundaries (no hugs, very limited contact in between sessions and never any immediate call backs). He has encouraged me to think carefully about my needs and if they might be better met with another T.

Today I called another T who current T had referred me to while on vacation. I had called her once when current at was away and she responded immediately and encouraged me to call her back to check in later that day. This made me feel very supported and cared about in a way that I have not felt in between sessions with current T. I called her again today to explore the possibility of starting therapy with her. Left a message and am waiting to hear back.

I feel a little but like I am "cheating" on current T. I don't want him to know that I called her, especially since they know each other. Part of me feels that I should stick it out with current T but another part of me wonders if I really do have needs that another T might be better able or more willing to meet. I wonder if I am trying too hard to make it work with current T because I am afraid of the pain of breaking my attachment and the difficulty of starting over with someone new. And part of me just wants to cut and run and quit therapy altogether.