I need to get all of this off my chest, I am sorry it's going to be a very long story. I am going to begin at the start and tell everything. If she knew I made this post she would never speak to me again, but I have nobody to talk to and I need help.

It all began last year at the end of August, I was playing minecraft (22 years old in college at the time) by myself. I came back from the bathroom and 2 players were harassing me, told me to "talk to us *****". I replied as usual, like an asshole lol. Anyway we started talking and they asked me to join their Skype chat, they swore they were girls. So I joined and they were, and we started hanging out and talking. One thing led to another and I ended up playing with them often, eventually me and the one girl became close.

I was skeptical of online relationships but I liked her, so I decided to see what happened. We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend but very close and we began to do things more like a couple, such as sexting and masturbating on Skype chat. Yes this isn't going to be a PG-13 story. Anyway eventually we became so attached I asked her to be my girlfriend, with the stipulation that I would visit her come the winter.

It was at this point I began to realize there was problems, I learned that she cut herself. She told me because she was embarrassed and thought I would run the other way when I found out. By the way she is 21 at the time, we live about 12 hours apart. Me living in New York, her in Indiana. Of course I didn't run away, I stuck it out and helped her. I tried to get her to stop, helping her fight the urge. I got her to stop day drinking as much and slow down with the amount of pills she uses. She has we think, endometriosis and a very painful case. She had been on painkillers for about 2 years, tramadols. She didn't have insurance at the time, her dad having cancer caused them to lose their home and move. They were barely staying ahead financially, so all she could really do is take pills to reduce the pain. Of course this led to pill abuse and excessive usage.

I learned she had failed her classes the year before at university and had only just gone back that semester. I tried to help her with her classes but she ended up giving up in the end, she just couldn't get herself through it. So they were poor, she a college drop out, pill abuser, alcoholic, and self-harmer.

I didn't run away though, I took up the challenge and decided I could help. I began comforting her at night, phone calls and skype calls that never ended. I would sleep with her like that, comforting her, fighting the urge for her to help herself and try to stop her nightmares. I had no idea at the time the cause of any of this, but I knew she needed me and I had no problem being there for her.

We had some minor hiccups but finally winter came around and I was determined to visit. I went right after school let out and before Christmas. I drove through a snow storm like an idiot, I was so determined to meet this girl I fell in love with. It took me over 15 hours, I nearly froze to death sleeping in my car at a meijers(or however it's spelled) parking lot. I finally reached her house around 2pm the next day, driving through slush and the craziest driving conditions you can imagine. My car was covered with a quarter inch of ice and I was so tired. But it was worth it.

All those months of passion came out, we were in love and I had my first kiss. We did all of the things we talked about doing. We played with each other, saw movies, went out to eat, snuggled and cuddled. It was a magical time and it couldn't have been any more perfect. Finally I had to leave and it was so hard to drive away.

I made it about 30 miles before I slid on black ice and rolled out into a corn field. I nearly died and her and her mom had to get me from the hospital, luckily I only had minor injuries. I passed out in their bathroom, probably from shock. My shoulder still aches from being jerked around so hard. In the end I didn't mind much, I got to spend another 2 days with her because of it.

Finally I got home and things were great for a time, Christmas came and passed, New Years too. I had gotten her things for Christmas, a stuffed hedgehog, a hand bag she had wanted, and custom t-shirts I made for my weightlifting gym. She loved it all and she seemingly loved me.

Mid January something changed, she broke up with me and I am still not sure why. She said she didn't love me, all I knew was it was shortly after her ex-boyfriend started messaging her and bothering her and she got really depressed and sad. It was a terrible break up, my first and it shocked me so badly I considered suicide. I legitimately was crushed, I had started dreaming about this girl and rescuing her from nowhere Indiana. Giving her a life with me. Part of the reason for this break up was because I was so depressed following the car accident, my confidence was shattered and my own mortality was so much more obvious. It became hard for me to be my own anchor, forget about hers.

I ended up getting a therapist, somebody to talk to. This is when I first found out that she had been raped by her ex. He had forced himself on her one day and blackmailed her with her own secrets. He betrayed her trust and hurt her terribly. He had stole her virginity and she also felt ashamed because she had told me she was a virgin. We ended up getting back together, she realized she loved me and we healed things. I began being her rock again, battling the cutting all over again.

I visited her again for Valentines day. I sent her flowers and the plan was to catch a plane. Well the plane got cancelled the day of, so instead I got bus tickets. The bus got cancelled as well, I ended up stuck in Port Authority for 15 hours waiting for the next available bus. I ended up taking one that went to buffalo, then went west. It took me 20 hours on a bus and a further 2 on a train to finally reach her. 35 + hours it took me, but I didn't give up.

Again our visit was great. The first trip we had a hard time having sex, we just couldn't seem to do it, but this trip we finally could. We played a lot, we saw the Lego movie, made out, and just hung out. It was great again, love can be an amazing thing.

I should mention before I continue that after she was raped she had tried to commit suicide, this was about 2 years before we met. She lost all of her friends from that time, her ex-boyfriend turned everyone against her, and she told basically nobody about what really happened, he family still doesn't know.

After our visit come March she broke up with me again. She was going out drinking with new friends and she had planned to enroll in hair/beauty school. I wanted her to come out and live with me after I graduated. I wanted her to be with me once I got a job, so I wasn't thrilled. I never told her not to, but I was pouty for which I am ashamed. She felt I was being controlling and she wanted to break things off. She went out drinking and still we talked all night via text.

The next morning she called me crying, she had sex with somebody that night. She said she was black out drunk and she woke up in the middle of it. I said it was rape, she wasn't really sure. Either way she still didn't want to get back together with me, but yet she still wanted to sleep with me at night, and masturbate together. I told her lets just put things on hold for a while and see what happens.

The next week she went out again, she had sex with somebody else. This time it really broke my heart. She wanted me to be her rock but she had no care for how she hurt me. I was devastated, I told her I couldn't help her anymore, I couldn't sleep with her at night. She begged me to stay with her until she could see a therapist, until she could get to counselling. It has to be understood at this point that she still had terrible nightmares, I learned that not only was she raped by her ex, but as a child she was molested by teenagers a 4-5 years older than her.

I told her, if she slept with somebody again I would no longer be her friend. I wouldn't want anything to do with her. Well she stayed at her friends house the next week and this time she slept with her friends brother. I broke it off, I was finished. I didn't care how ****ed up she was at the time, I was tired of being hurt.

The next day I got a heart wrenching message from her, she said she wanted to destroy everything in her life. That she hated herself. I need to mention that after the 2nd guy we had a huge argument. She said terrible things to me, told me she never loved me only pitied me. Anything she could say to hurt me she said. I told her she was a slut and a ***** and that I wanted nothing to do with her anymore. I told her that she was a horrible person and that she ruined every good thing that came into her life, and that she deserved it. I didn't mean she deserved to be raped, but that's how she took it and at the time I was so upset I let her think I meant it. I wanted her to hurt and I felt terrible about it afterward.

I later found out that when her ex raped her, she became pregnant. She said she lost the child, and nobody knew. That is why my words effected her so much, she felt like she had killed the baby. She had drank too much, or did too many drugs and her actions cost it it's life.

Well in her message about how sorry she was and how she was trying to destroy her life for what she felt she had done, she told me she was planning on ending her life, that she couldn't live with what she had done to me. Of course I wouldn't allow that, and despite the pain she caused me I told her to get back together with me and fix things. Let me help her and repair the damage caused. She finally agreed and we slowly began mending things.It was really hard, she told me how much she loved me and how sorry she was and how much I meant to her. But damage was done and it was hard for me to forgive her.

The next week she went out drinking again and got high as well. I do not agree with drugs, she didn't really care and did it anyway. She ended up getting raped by the first guy she had sex with. He followed her into the bathroom at a party and forced himself on her. He made her give him oral and she finished inside of her. She was traumatized, she tried to kill herself the next week. I had to call her parents because she OD'ed, they took her away in an ambulance and she had to get admitted at the mental ward.

Before I go on, I need to mention that she also painted a bad picture of me, she told her mother I called her a slut and a *****. She told her I was mean to her, but didn't say anything about what she had done to me. Her parents hated me, and that cut me real deep.

Well now I had saved her life and she was getting help. She called me multiple times a day while she was admitted. She swore she loved me, I told her when she got out she could visit me in May and come to my graduation. When she got out she got counselling, her insurance had finally kicked in and things were looking up. Our relationship was slowly repairing and come May she got on a plane and flew out to me.

We did everything while she was here, camping, Atlantic City, the Bronx Zoo. I showed her the city and took her out to eat, many times. We saw movies and we had lots of sex. For the first time I was able to make her finish completely unassisted, and I was able to finish in her with a condom on. However we began fighting a lot on the trip, we had a lot of ups and downs. I blame myself for this, I was acting a bit like a jerk. I was having doubts about our relationship, things she did annoyed me, and I was still not over what had happened back in March.

I drove her back to Indiana after graduation. During the drive I acted like a jerk at one point. She was crinkling a bottle and I jokingly slapped her hand. We played rough occasionally, so I thought it was just a joke. She kept crinkling it of course so I slapped her leg. She told me it hurt even though I barely touched her. It really was barely even a touch. I didn't believe it hurt so I did it again. She made it obvious that it really did hurt this time, apparently she has nerve damage. She still kept going with the bottle, so now it was a battle of wills. I turned up the AC in the car and she said she didn't mind. So then I opened the windows, she still swore she didn't care. But after about 30 seconds she stopped and asked me to close them. I acted like a jerk and kept them open a little longer and said "you gotta learn a lesson".

I am including my mistakes, I wont shy away and only tell half the story. I really did do some stupid things. I am a sore loser I suppose, I should have just said sorry please stop crinkling the bottle, but I didn't. When we got in that argument back in March, I should have just let her say awful things and not fired back, again I didn't. If I wanted things to work out, I should have tried harder to let the past go and make this trip wonderful, but I didn't.

I should mention at this point that I am now very against alcohol. I feel like her and drinking is a terrible mix, it makes her far more depressed and after what going out and drinking did to us back in march/april who can blame me? Well they threw a benefit for her sickly father to raise money and while we were there, now in Indiana, she had a cup in her hand the whole night. She knew I wanted her to cut back on the drinking, she knew how it bothered me. But the whole night she had a full cup and she got herself nice and drunk and of course I do what I always do, start to pout.

We continued to argue while I was there, she only seemed interesting in hanging out next door with her neighbor, and not me. I didn't want to hang out there because the 2nd guy she did stuff with was the neighbors brother, they give her alcohol, and I wanted alone time with her. So we argued and she cried and I almost left twice, once because I wanted to go, and once because she wanted me to.

I still blame past events for all of this, my hatred of alcohol, my unwillingness to meet her friends, my aggravation with things she does. I need to mention that at this point her friend started dating the 2nd guy she did stuff with, and she was pissed off. Which of course infuriated me. Why should she care that her friend is dating a guy when she is dating me?? Is it because she wanted to be with that guy and settled for me? She is pissed because her friend said that guy was a scum bag then went against her own advice and hooked up with him? He is a scum bag, who cares who he hooks up with. This is also the friend who gets her to smoke pot, which I hate with a passion. So tensions were high, because of this. How could she be so insensitive to me? How could her being mad about this, not anger me?

We did get past these things though, or so I thought. And when I left it seemed like she loved me and she didn't want me to go. I found out a week later that an ultrasound she had done to check for endometriosis showed extra tissue and the doctor was worried she was pregnant. This triggered a whole lot of stuff, she was terrified and I was scared too of course. I am not ready for a child, yes I graduated but I still don't even have a job. Tensions were so high after that and we didn't even make it until she got her bloodwork results.

She broke up with me, first because I said my opinion on abortion was that if it was early enough maybe the baby didn't have a soul yet. She asked for my opinion then crucified me for it. Then she was mad at me because I felt like something weird was going on. Every time her mom walked in the room she hung up on me, without even a word of goodbye she would just end the calls. Of course this hurt me and it made me wonder what was going on. I felt she told her parents she wasn't talking to me anymore, and it hurts to be treated like a dirty secret, especially after how much effort I put in trying to help her.

I also found out that she very much held me acting like a jerk in the car against me, she felt I was abusive both physically and vocally. Even though that was the only time I ever laid a hand on her, and it truthfully was meant jokingly. The touch on her leg wasn't a hit, more of laying a hand on her leg. But nevertheless she built this opinions of me. It turns out she told her mom I hit her and that I am abusive.

I had apologized for this many times, and after I forgave her for what she did to me, I thought perhaps she could do the same. I guess that wasn't the case. We have been on and off now for over a week. She loves me one day, hates me the next. She calls me drunk, begging for me to come out there and be there for her. Then she wakes up pissed off at me, wondering why I am in a call with her.

She deletes me from facebook even though we are still at the very least friends, she doesn't want people to know she talks to me yet she still wants to sleep with me at night. She is just all over the place lately and her counseling appointments are bi-weekly, which in my opinion isn't frequent enough. During the day she doesn't contact me at all, but at night she is my buddy again.

I don't know if she loves me or hates me. She says she just can't feel the way she should because of what has happened to her. Which I do understand, she has been through a lot of trauma. I have told her she has PTSD, she didn't believe me but I know that is the case. Too many times has she been crying in her sleep, begging somebody to stop and telling them it hurt.

Just recently she contacted me and told me after my visit in February she took pregnancy tests and they were positive. She told me they were negative at the time, so of course I was now upset. She lied to me and when she thought she was pregnant she broke up with me, went out drinking and sleeping around. The truth is she really wants a child, she feels like she in incapable though. I don't know if those tests back in February were false positives or if she lost it, but she isn't pregnant now.

And just two nights ago I found out the worst part. She told me that after she was raped, her ex begged her to come over so he could talk to her. When she went there he beat her. He hurt her and she blames that for her miscarriage with that child. She blames herself for going over there. And the worst part of it all was that he had his 3 friends over and they raped her again only this time they took turns on her. They spit on her and hit her and did w\e they wanted to her. Because she was scared for the babies life she let them do w\e they wanted, she just wanted to prevent them from hurting her more. She said her ex smiled at her the whole time even as she begged him to help her.

Now this is where I am. I am completely lost. This girl has been through the most traumatic things I can imagine. Her story is one of the saddest I have ever heard. She thinks she loves me yet she doesn't, she hurts me constantly. Part of me thinks I should walk away, another part of me pities her and wants to help, and another part of me loves her too much to leave. But I am being put in a corner, I am pushed away and only called upon when needed. She says she is too damaged to be with me, and some might agree, but despite what has happened, how much I have been hurt and am still being hurt, I love her. I can't explain it, I love her so much and I just wish I could help. I wish I could undo the hurts that have been done to her.

I was told to never post about her online again, I made a post on reddit once and the replies broke her heart. But I can't go on without getting this out. I need to talk to somebody about this, I need somebody to encourage me to do what is right. Whether it be to stay here as she needs me until she figures herself out or if it's to look after myself and walk away.

I am sorry this was such a huge post, I know I just wrote a story and I didn't do it justice at all. I left out so many details, I left out so many pains and so many joys. I can't explain all we have been through, I can't put it all down. If anybody reads all of this, please help me, please give me the guidance and the strength to do what needs to be done. My preference is to help her, to get her through this and make her happy. If that is better without me so be it, but right now I am completely lost.