Thank you alex, sister, and sky for responding. I've just been feeling so deviant about having this fantasy and you made me feel like hey maybe I wasn't as awful as I thought, after all.

alex, I'd heard about the endorphins before but not the "faint" response. Interesting. I don't recall ever feeling faint when I cut so not sure if that is applicable to me, but could very well be to others.

sister, I really appreciate your saying my fantasy doesn't sound crazy to you! I think you are right on with everything you said. How did your T react when you shared this with him?

Sky, I am doing better today. thanks. You wrote: "You aren't angry at your T, not really." What I want to release is hurt, not anger. And it is not childhood hurt over my mom (have to leave that for another day, plus the cutting as a teen helped me deal with that back then), it's hurt from my adult life. I cannot imagine getting angry at my T when sharing my hurt and pain with him (I would envision it as a time of closeness with him, not hostility), so this is not a problem. He is the greatest, and I have zero reason to be angry at him. In my fantasy he is very accepting as I slice myself and he even gestures not to worry about the blood on the carpet. He is not reacting with horror at all and seems totally able to handle what I am doing. In fact, he reacts just as if I were simply saying something to him, not cutting myself.

Thanks again to all who responded. I'm going away for a few days with one of my daughters, and will see you all when I return.