Quote:
Originally Posted by sichi-26
Hi there, I can really relate to this. I am beginning to accept my diagnosis, a lot more than before. But even now, I'm never sure. It's so hard with mental illnesses, because they aren't always tangible. It's not like a broken leg, where you can actually SEE that something physical is broken. I suppose it also depends on the severity of your illness. I was diagnosed Bipolar 2, and sometimes the symptoms seem a bit vague. I've always put it down to hyperactivity, and then just needing to be alone. But as I got older it got worse and worse, and the 'needing to be alone' turned into actual depression. And the hyperactivity, got a bit more, well, mental. The Doctor told me she has never seen a clearer case of Bipolar 2, and I still only partially believe her! All I can say is, that when I take the treatment, my life dramatically improves. I'm stable. I realize all of a sudden what it's like for people who don't have dramatic mood-swings and don't have an internal battle waging in their mind all the time. But then when I feel 'normal', I stop taking the meds, because I think I'm completely fine. A couple of months later, my head is a bit of a mess again. Anyway, after 2 years of doing this, I'm contemplating listening to the Doctor  I've never been one to take advice, or follow orders, and I think it stems from this. I like to test things for myself. I'm not saying this is the correct thing to do! It's just the way it is. I hope this helps. Maybe you feel similarly. In conclusion, I have the feeling that the Doctor is right and I should probably accept the diagnosis and just find the best way to manage it into the future. |
My story is very similar. I've shared on here before. When I was first dx at 18 I was dealing with trauma issues so I figured all my turmoil was from that and I was partially right. I also didn't believe in hypomania blah blah hate doctors blah blah big pharma blah blah I won't bore everyone.
When the symptoms intensified last year I figured I was just making it all up for attention somehow as I used to do when I was younger. I figured that I could control myself I just wasn't doing it. I tried to control the anger on my own but the last straw for my husband came when I got drunk and self harmed for the first time in six years. He demanded I go get help. I got a BP 2 dx. I still thought I could control it, and that I didn't not have a severe case. I messed around with my medication, went full blown manic/psychotic, earned myself a BP 1 dx, and found a stabilizing combo of meds.
Yeah but still, the farther away from that episode I got, the more I believed it was purely medication induced and that I may not actually have bipolar. I mean I'm not sure how much more eveidence I needed but once again in December I decided to go off meds. I went off Seroquel because it made me too drowsy, but I went off trileptal to prove once and for all whether I had BP or not and whether I could manage on my own or not.
Answer: not. Over the winter I went on and off meds trying to prove different things to myself, I don't know why. I was in total denial of the severity of my condition. And then in April reality, or lack thereof, came up to slap me hard right across the face. I was taking my medication again as prescribed to avoid a depressed episode but it didn't work and paranoia creeped in. I thought my husband was trying to control me with my medication. I thought someone or something was trying to get me to kill myself. As it progressed I thought strangers could read my thoughts and finally I ended up in the ER accusing the dr of opening a social services case against me and the cops who brought me of trying to kill me.
Yeah so at this point I feel like I have no choice but to accept the fact that bipolar is real for me and that I have a serious case that needs to be taken seriously. I'm going to start an injectable med so it will be harder for me to stop taking it on a whim.
In summation I have accepted my condition today but if the injectable works I expect I will be wondering why I bother taking meds. I hope I'll have the foresight to look back on my posts here so I can go oh yeah, THAT's why.