Yes I can definitely relate to this story! My symptoms sound a little less severe, however perhaps if I don't accept the diagnosis then things may unfold for me like this too. In a way, it's helpful to hear, because I genuinely WANT to be well and stable, and consequently need to accept things. That said, same as you, next time I feel 'normal' or 'well', I'm still likely to question what is going on, and wonder whether I'm just, ah, creatively minded, or just simply hard to deal with sometimes, or just a bit emotional. It's terrible that we wait for something REALLY bad to happen before we accept things!
It's a similar situation with my husband now too. He never really said a lot about my diagnosis, or the medication. He supported me, but never commented or gave his opinion really. Only recently, I told him that maybe I should be on the medication, maybe the Doctor is right (after a slew of pretty apalling behaviour on my part). At that point, he said he completely agrees and fully endorses me taking medication, that I'm apparently more stable and calm and happy. Good to finally have his opinion or endorsement in one way, but then I also found a way to somehow 'blame' him for my illness. Not even sure how I did that now, but I had a theory at the time and I did my best to communicate it clearly.
I'm pretty lucky to be with someone so nice and supportive. I'm not sure many people would put up with it for very long. I guess the conclusion is, that for the sake of my relationships and mental stability, I listen to the Doctor!!!
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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25
My story is very similar. I've shared on here before. When I was first dx at 18 I was dealing with trauma issues so I figured all my turmoil was from that and I was partially right. I also didn't believe in hypomania blah blah hate doctors blah blah big pharma blah blah I won't bore everyone.
When the symptoms intensified last year I figured I was just making it all up for attention somehow as I used to do when I was younger. I figured that I could control myself I just wasn't doing it. I tried to control the anger on my own but the last straw for my husband came when I got drunk and self harmed for the first time in six years. He demanded I go get help. I got a BP 2 dx. I still thought I could control it, and that I didn't not have a severe case. I messed around with my medication, went full blown manic/psychotic, earned myself a BP 1 dx, and found a stabilizing combo of meds.
Yeah but still, the farther away from that episode I got, the more I believed it was purely medication induced and that I may not actually have bipolar. I mean I'm not sure how much more eveidence I needed but once again in December I decided to go off meds. I went off Seroquel because it made me too drowsy, but I went off trileptal to prove once and for all whether I had BP or not and whether I could manage on my own or not.
Answer: not. Over the winter I went on and off meds trying to prove different things to myself, I don't know why. I was in total denial of the severity of my condition. And then in April reality, or lack thereof, came up to slap me hard right across the face. I was taking my medication again as prescribed to avoid a depressed episode but it didn't work and paranoia creeped in. I thought my husband was trying to control me with my medication. I thought someone or something was trying to get me to kill myself. As it progressed I thought strangers could read my thoughts and finally I ended up in the ER accusing the dr of opening a social services case against me and the cops who brought me of trying to kill me.
Yeah so at this point I feel like I have no choice but to accept the fact that bipolar is real for me and that I have a serious case that needs to be taken seriously. I'm going to start an injectable med so it will be harder for me to stop taking it on a whim.
In summation I have accepted my condition today but if the injectable works I expect I will be wondering why I bother taking meds. I hope I'll have the foresight to look back on my posts here so I can go oh yeah, THAT's why.
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