It sucks, really bad.

I have OCD, mostly in my head. I HAVE to think certain things to cancel out bad thoughts, otherwise I'm afraid those bad thoughts will come true. I try not to do this, but the anxiety from not doing it finally compels me to just do it!

A few examples: Whenever anyone says god****, I have to think gosh darnit. When I have an image or thought of something bad happening, I have to think or say *that would suck* to make sure that it doesn't happen. I can't think that things are going well, ever, because that will jinx it and something bad WILL happen. I have to knock on wood frequently, to make sure nothing bad happens from what I've said.

On a daily basis, I have bits of songs, or phrases, repeating in my head non-stop. Just out of nowhere. They won't just go away, and are all I can think of while it's happening.

Sometimes, I type sentences out, in my head, according to where they are on a keyboard. Then I add up how many letters in that sentence are used by which hand. I do this very quickly.

I have to keep everything in a specific arrangement, or I have to fix it. Even if I'm sick or falling asleep, the anxiety from seeing something out of order will make me finally get up and fix it.

I quite easily obsess about problems that pop up(not everyday stuff, usually). The internet is VERY bad for me, as I can spend all day and night *researching* something I'm obsessed with. I can't stop either, I'll be miserable at the computer still reading and reading, wanting to get off but I can't.

I read about something bad, and that's it. I obsess about it. Last year I was obsessed with dust(after getting a vacuum demo in my home), this year I'm recently obsessed with not using cleaning chemicals or eating pork.

For six years, I obsessed about my breathing, convinced that I would stop breathing if I didn't breathe a *certain* way(thank GOD that's about gone!!!!!) Even though I *knew* that I wouldn't stop breathing, I couldn't stop doing it.

I'm still praying for a hitch hiker my husband and I gave a ride to two years ago. I refer to him as *that guy we met* in my prayers ( I don't even know his name). I'm afraid if I don't continue, something bad will happen to him the day I stop. Stupid, I know, but I haven't been able to successfully stop this.

Well, I hope this helps you, as it has helped me as I don't tell others in my life these things. Even my pdoc. It's too embarrassing. It feels good to put it out on a forum where no one knows me! But, from the things I have told my pdoc, she knows I have OCD and is trying to treat it.

Anyone else with OCD willing to share?

Jen