Times this happened have been quantum leaps for our relationship. They are usually accidental because he tries to keep such close freakin control over what happens. I think they are necessary just because my parents were such control freaks with me and barely interacted with me, and t's wanting that kind of control just reenacts the abusive situation for me and makes me freeze up and act weird - dissociste, probably, deer in the headlights, waiting for him to act normal again. I blame him and he blames me. I dont think the theory snd practice of psychotherapy takes this into account, except to put the onus on the client to be as open and honest as possible always.