Hello again Kittyfaye: I just replied to another of your posts & then I found this one. You have SO many things going on &, it sounds like, no one really to help you. (By the way, from my perspective, the rape-play thing was really inappropriate, especially if you weren't a willing participant. You have every right to feel violated... you were.)

Do you have a therapist? You need someone to talk with about all of the different aspects of your situation. It might also be beneficial if there were a women's support group in your area you could attend. The bottom line here from my perspective is you can't continue to live the way you're living, with all of the problems you're experiencing, & do it alone. No one could. It's not just you.

You also mentioned hearing voices as I recall, & waking up stiff in the morning. I would think these would be concerns that it would be worth taking up with a physician: a general practitioner and / or a psychiatrist. If, as I recall, you lack medical insurance, perhaps there is a clinic that sees patients either free-of-charge or on a sliding-fee scale.

The other thing is to just simply keep posting here on PC. If nothing else, writing about your struggles can help; and other PC'ers can continue to offer support and suggestions.