for a good while now i've been having a hard time

im feeling empty, depressed, and loneliness and im annoyed and angry i can't figure out whats going on with me, confused because none of it seems to make sense, at a loss for what to do and feeling hopeless; that maybe i can't be helped

i find it hard to describe how im feeling, how im thinking, i am dissapointed and so aggravated with all of this...
when i first started treatment it was just depression, major depression/anxiety or whatever...

ive read that ADs can make bipolar go crazy... i am on seroquel but dont know if that is a good mood stabilizer
im at a loss and dont know what to do with myself anymore

i have been trying for 2½ years everyday one day at a time to figure this all out and help make it better... only recently have i started restricting my alcohol intake and marijuana usage... not to aggravate any more symptoms

one moment i feel empty, not sad or happy but just here... the next i dont know whats going on with my moods...

i am able to "put on a good show" and wear the fake smile in front of others, i guess because i have no choice because i live with my big family...they don't understand mental illness

i guess thats my rant for today... thanks for reading