Almost sounds like Helsinki Syndrome, when a hostage actually begins to miss the person that kept him/her hostage. This usually happens when the person was held for a long time and began to form almost a kind of dysfunctional, codependent "relationship" with the kidnapper/hostage taker. I know this sounds weird, but it's almost like you formed a sense of familiarity with the suicidal thoughts and designate them a life of their own, like a being, or I suppose you could say they are personified. For those who believe that these things are caused by (a) demon(s), this would make perfect sense, as an actual entity is used to describe the suicidal thoughts.