I feel fat.
I mean, more than usual.
A lot more than usual.
Went bathing suit shopping with my mother.

... I feel fat. So fat.

My dad bought me clothes. I felt fat.

I hang out with my family. I feel fat.

And I am. I'm overweight. I know that. But it's HARD keeping weight off when you're in a wheelchair and can't do most activities people do to lose weight.

My doctors don't seem to have a major problem with my weight. I'm healthy enough otherwise... minus my disabilities... but they tell me that I'm healthy so I shouldn't worry too much about how much I weigh.

But I feel fat. So fat.

I love food too much. It is comfort. It is nice.

But then in a split second decision, my brain decides that I should starve myself because I'd "feel better about myself". Which is a very convincing statement, but also a lie.

So I yo-yo - from eating to not eating to eating again... and I've seen dieticians and I've seeing physical therapists, and I've got too many doctors ...

But all I really want to do is lose all this excess weight and be skinny. But if I'm skinny, would I still be me? Would that make me happy, really? Probably not.

*goes and gets food after not eating for 9 hours because she doesn't feel she deserved to eat*