This floundering between sessions and panicking is really difficult sky I really get it - are there any friends who know or could be an ear just on the phone? I know you wouldn't want to disclose the most awful details but just any kind of reassuring chat might help and also might help diffuse things with your H too.

Are you reading any books about recovery or about BPD or anything like that? Maybe if you had some material to stick your nose in it might just help to keep your mind ticking over... I don't know.