Quote:
Originally Posted by Perna
I think you are asking too much asking someone to respond to you, the way you set it up, that would not be about them and gives them no say, is not a true response. Wanting that is something else; we all want that, to be special and have someone(s) who tries to anticipate our needs but I don't think one can "buy" that.
How hard are you working to not email and operate only in the confines of the actual relationship? You say you have "always needed" this but do you want to be always needing it, not moving on to the real relationship? I wrote my T often and mailed stuff to her office but after 6-7 years I decided I wanted to have a real relationship with her, only in session, person-to-person without my imagination in there running wild and thinking this or that which was not based on anything other than what I wanted, felt, or thought; had no reality to it. It was extremely hard at first, frustrating and painful, but eventually was thoroughly rewarding and worth all that work.
|
Hi Perna,
No, I don't want to always need email to feel connected or say what I need to. It just is so much easier to express myself in writing, and always has been. I do alot of poetry and journal writing, and putting words down on paper has always been much less stressful for me. Part of it may be about control. When I write something, I can think about what to say, how to say it, edit or change it until it feels "just right." I can't do that with speech in the moment. I don't feel "prepared."
Also, if I'm expressing something that's embarrassing, I don't want my t looking at me, and if I think what i say will bother her, I dread to see it in the expression on her face. It's kind of like, if I am going to ask her about something (or for something), and she is going to say NO or tell me something that is going to hurt, I would much rather read it in email, away from her, and then deal with the emotional reaction/fallout on my own before I see her again.
I loathe the idea of letting people see me in a weak or vulnerable state, and it feels especially threatening if I've put myself into the vulnerable position of asking for something and being turned down. It feels as dangerous as standing there naked and vulnerable, and then getting a knife thrust into my chest. I know that probably sounds silly, but that's how rejection feels to me. I'm terrified to attaching/needing/asking and then being let down or abandoned later. It paralizes me.
But badk to what you said -- yes, Perna, I think I really do need to work on the real relationship in the room. I wish I wasn't so scared. My fear seems ridiculous in the face of how long I've been in therapy and how nice my t is. If I could do the work face to face, and know for sure that my t cares, and feel it inside, I would probably not need constant reassurance that she is still there, still cares, nothing bad is about to befall the relationship, etc.