Quote:
Originally Posted by 1914sierra
Do you hear how backwards that is? You don't consider emailing her as "too demanding" even though it has more potential to be imposing on her private time, but you feel using your arranged session time as the proper time for asking for what you need as "too demanding". Your thinking about this is kind of backwards. You would be much less "demanding" to use your session time to it fullest than to consistently use email outside of session time to ask for connection and input. Perhaps you can work on flipping that around so things are in their proper place for you.
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Hi 1914Sierra,
Yes, now that you say it back to me, it does sound backwards. I wonder why I see it that way???? I really don't know. . .I think it's something about my need to have reassurance that she will be there to help me if I need it, which she reassures me about in email. But when it comes down to actually asking for what I need in the moment, I freeze and feel unworthy.
What comes to my mind is that what t offers me in the t relationship is like a big beautiful cake that would taste so good if I could allow myself to eat some of it. But I can't! I can look at it, and desire to take some of it in, and even imagine doing it. I can ask whoever made the cake if I could have a piece if I want it. And I need to keep hearing them say yes, you can, yes, you still can, yes, I haven't changed my mind, and you can. But I never actually take the piece of cake and eat it. I don't know why!!
I feel an internal satisfaction from knowing it is there if I really need it. But the idea of actually taking some of it for myself never feels like "the right time." It's like, "Someday, I am going to cut a piece of that cake and eat it," but not today. And that "someday" never ever comes! I don't know what it is I am waiting for. . .someday before too long, my therapy is going to be over, and it will be too late! My t is 66 now.
I do the same thing with the quilt and afghans my mom made me. I don't use them. They are on the shelf in the closet, and I think someday I will actually take them out and wrap myself up in them and feel warm and cozy. But I can't!
I think I'm terrified of letting anybody or anything comfort me, or getting used to feeling good in relationships, because I am too terrified knowing that eventually, I will have to say goodbye. I can't seem to believe that allowing myself to have that attachment/connection is worth the grief of losing it later.
The whole email thing. . . maybe it's a stand-in for the real relationship that I can't allow myself to form with my t in real time. It's like a continuous rehearsal for a performance that never occurs.
I hate that i do this, and know I am wasting time. I have to find a way to get past my parylizing fear.