Quote:
Originally Posted by peaches100
I feel an internal satisfaction from knowing it is there if I really need it. But the idea of actually taking some of it for myself never feels like "the right time." It's like, "Someday, I am going to cut a piece of that cake and eat it," but not today. And that "someday" never ever comes! I don't know what it is I am waiting for. . .someday before too long, my therapy is going to be over, and it will be too late! My t is 66 now.
I do the same thing with the quilt and afghans my mom made me. I don't use them. They are on the shelf in the closet, and I think someday I will actually take them out and wrap myself up in them and feel warm and cozy. But I can't!
I think I'm terrified of letting anybody or anything comfort me, or getting used to feeling good in relationships, because I am too terrified knowing that eventually, I will have to say goodbye. I can't seem to believe that allowing myself to have that attachment/connection is worth the grief of losing it later.
The whole email thing. . . maybe it's a stand-in for the real relationship that I can't allow myself to form with my t in real time. It's like a continuous rehearsal for a performance that never occurs.
I hate that i do this, and know I am wasting time. I have to find a way to get past my parylizing fear.
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I feel this so acutely. I grew up moving around literally every three years of my life - i have lost so much that at some point i just stopped attaching. it's caused trouble in my marriage.
i also had a lot of rules about what I could "feel" and so i learned not to voice my emotion. for me, e-mail is a way to express what i'm feeling when i get choked in session. i tried to read through this thread (i have kids so please forgive me if i've missed something - i get distracted frequently).
have you considered asking if it would be all right to write the emails with no expectation of response at all? my t totally let's me email as much as i want - but he hardly ever responds. i've been with him for a long time that i'm okay. i know he hears me because he brings it up in session. i told him i think of my emails to him like a private blog. i don't expect him to answer, but it gets my thoughts out of my head and let's me say the things i can't seem to say in therapy.
i don't know if that would help redraw those boundaries? like a compromise? so it would give your t freedom from having to respond right away and you freedom from needing the immediate response while still expressing something.
sorry if i'm off base
i think i might not have gathered everything correctly.