My husband of 13 years has always been abusive in one way or another. I haven't had my eyes blackened shut, so he thinks he is not so bad. He is a loud, mean, abnoxious person. He used to push me around a lot. He abused our children. Why did I ever stay? My oldest daughter from my first marriage hates him most of the time. Our youngest daughter hate the way he is. They have had many terrible times with him as their father. I haven't been such a good mother, either. I think he hurt me and I took it out on them sometimes. Now, I feel numb.

Sometimes I feel like I have screwed up my kids so bad. I don't know what to do or how to fix it. He doesn't put his hands on us anymore. After he attempted suicide when I wanted a divorce a few years ago, he promised to never hurt us again. He has a few times. I cannot understand why I am still here?

I found some old letters yesterday. I used to be so different than I am now. I wonder what happened to me? Why didn't I stay true to my own beliefs? I think I know why. He would tell me I had already trashed one marriage, I was a quitter and a turncoat. My first husband I married when I was 17 and he cheated on me.

I hate him and everything he represents.

I am also to blame in this. I know. I've lived it. I have a sharp tongue and have said extremely cruel things to him. SOmetimes I wonder if it was because I had no other weapon. He is much bigger than me. Or if I am just mean too. Probably so.

My oldest daughter hates me for not leaving, but doesn't want her life to change. My youngest can go either way too.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm scared as usual. He convinces me that I am crayz and I have done many abusive things to him. When he says it it sounds true.

I just wish I could go back and pack up my babies before he scarred them.