Possible trigger warning.....

This is really strange for me, but at a time of year when I'm usually manic, I find myself horribly depressed and wanting out. Part of it has to do with my life situation, which sucks because things are coming apart at the seams and I don't know how to fix it. I'm still out of work and am so anxious at even the thought of nursing again that I don't see myself doing it at all. Which means starting out all over again at 55, like there's a huge job market for older people...NOT.

So I've got to scale back my lifestyle because my husband and I are no longer middle class. We can't afford to live here, but we can't afford to move either. $360 a week in unemployment benefits doesn't go very far. I'm used to making $1200 a week before taxes.

OK fine, now I'm playing Rock, Paper, Scissors with the utility bills to try to figure out which one will suck less when it gets shut off. And the depression has been coming on for a week or so, but hit me full force yesterday and I'm having a hard time getting my mind off wanting to be out of this mess I've created. I haven't done anything and promised my friends I wouldn't, but it's really hard even though I think this whole thing is a massive overreaction to stupid stresses that anyone can go through.

I know I'm going to have to call my pdoc because I need something tweaked (and he really would take it hard if he saw my name in the obituaries), but for right now I'm just doing what I can to stay safe. a friend of mine suggested going to the ER but I think that's a little over the top. I'm not an immediate danger to myself. I did get a little relief from talking about it in my blog, and even more from gouging my skin a little (I tend to be a picker). I mean, I've got enough drugs in the house to kill myself five times over, but even I think it's too melodramatic to OD under these circumstances. And I loathe melodrama.

Frankly, I don't think I have the guts to kill myself, and that's probably a good thing, at least for the people who care about me. But I'm also not sure I have the cojones to handle having my life fall apart around me either. I don't know WTF to do. All I know is I'm not going to do anything foolish tonight. Thanks for being here.