Have woken up this morning feeling better and clearer of head. Still worried about things but managing it.

Yesterday was interesting to say the least. Wife came for the review and spoke her mind which included the best ways of managing me when I am in anxiety. They asked me lots of questions and it became too much at one point, I asked to excuse myself for a moment, left the room and punched the wall to the point of leaving blood on it, my knuckles are still sore.

Overall i think the meeting went well.

My best friend came to visit me after (the one I had been petrified of telling) and it was emotional my end (he's a police officer and took it in his stride) he even joked that in his profession I'm the best kind of mentally ill as I self harm rather than kick off at every one else (I did see the funny side).

I told him that he had always been my role model and that I was ashamed that I had never been able to fulfil the high expectations he has of people. He told me that I had strength that he lacked... That he has lost so many friends but through my tenacity I've kept him close and been there for him even though he treats others badly... That I should not have been scared to tell him about my MH sooner but that he knows in his younger days he was an arse hole... Made me smile. We both hugged (manly way) and he's promised to come visit me again next week.

By that night I was exhausted... After he left I did have a wobble and was feeling suicidal but I went and talked to one of the care workers who calmed me down as well as told me that I had to realise how difficult it would be for me to succeed with an attempt in here... No matter how creative and intelligent I've shown him to be.

Slept for 10 hours (was restless) but had a vivid dream of being back in china.

Edit: just saw my consultant and I asked to be taken off of level 2 observations. He has agreed so I will be allowed supervised walks. They are also taking me off the anti psychotic as that doesn't help with the water retention.