Thank you for responding Bigjellybelly.

I understand your approach, however, I am under no illusions as to how and why this operates in me - I know that its purpose is to absolve me of any responsibility for being a sexual being because of the shame I carry from the psychological aspects of the abuse ("I'll kill you and your brother if you tell anyone" is as much a shame-maker as it is a fear-maker), but also there is a clear association with pleasure-pain, and also I am desensitised to "normal" sex, because I was accustomed to it being so overwhelming and all encompassing - what I am struggling with is how to perform sexually without it. I don't have any secrets from myself, I assure you of that.

The best I have come up with so far is a complete abstinence from orgasm. Orgasm is a reward in the brain, if that reward is associated with an abusive fantasy then it will reinforce the fantasy. So I think I need to break the association between orgasm-fantasy first. Then, I can focus on being in my body and with my partner.

This makes sense in theory, but I don't know if it'll work. I'd be interested to hear how you are working with it, but I understand if you're not comfortable sharing here.