Though you term it as fantasy, Rainbowfairy, it is just an association I believe that our mind does. I was abused by five people who had easy access to me at an age I didnt know that it was abuse. it took a long time for me to accept that there was nothing I could have really done about it because I was too young to understand and defend myself.

but it did cause me to dissociate love and sex. I was alright with casual relationships because for me, it just became something which people did. for all the **** life put me through (strict violent dominating father and a weak submissive mother, inability to make friends, trying to protect my younger siblings), sex was just a hormone rush for me. but my tinybsilver lining came from the supposed hook up who ended up being my boyfriend for 7 years now. and that was when it started. it wasnt just sex. it was love making. and each time I get an image of abuse in my head, I would still push on for his sake and get sick to my stomach later. I still remember breaking down and talking about it for the first time ever. I had access to so many magazines and tv shows confirming to me that I was the victim and I shouldnt feel guilty that I just never talked about it (in fact it was a tv show that taught me the concept of child abuse). my guy held me the entire time i cried and didnt say a word (even when I accused him of not being just a hook up).

and no matter how much he tries, he can probably never understand it. but he tries to support me as much as he can. when you're in love, its not just sex. its the foreplay, its the mood, its the stupid giggling which we can never associate with what happened. if my guy gets the slightest signal that my mind is veering off, he backs off. and he almost gets it right everytime. I think that really helps. having somebody who loves you and doesnt see you as an object really helps. looking into his eyes helps (I remember keeping my eyes tightly shut because I was coaxed into being very quiet).

I have been with him for 7 years and my mind still veers off. I'm not saying falling in love is the solution. but trying to reinforce it to yourself that what happened during the abuse was just molestation or sex..... it was only physical..... and what you as an adult would choose would be making love which is a connection. even if your mind veers off before or during, the easiest way to dissociate is to talk to your partn

I know its long but hope it helps!