I need to vent here a bit. I don't expect many people to have the patience to read all this, but I need to get it out because I have insomnia over it.

I got rejected by a guy last weekend. I haven't had a lot of experience with rejection. I have always left it up to men to chase me, played hard to get, etc. I never opened myself up for rejection. Anyway, I went on a date with this guy last Saturday night. We were supposed to see a movie, but we started off with a drink and he suggested we just stay there and talk instead of seeing the movie. We talked for nearly 5 hours, had a great time and then later on after I got home, I e-mailed him, thanked him for the great evening out and told him I had a crush on him. He e-mailed me back and quite bluntly told me he had a good time too, was flattered, but just wanted to be my friend because "The spark just isn't there, I'm afraid."

I've known this guy since September. We used to work together. People at work used to tease me about him having a crush on me. I was the only person at work he opened up to and talked with. He took all his smoke breaks with me and he used to go out of his way to drive me home every evening. I wasn't attracted to him at all, but I thought he was kind and interesting and I decided that I should try to stop being so superficial. I always go for guys whom I find attractive right off the bat, and I've been trying to make more SENSIBLE choices. So, I worked really hard on that and managed to talk myself out of the superficiality and eventually, after many months, developed a crush on him.

Once I started my new job, we e-mailed each other all the time at work and went out with friends on my birthday (and he tried to insist on paying my friend for my birthday dinner). Then there was the date which seemed to go so well... My friends had told me that since he was so insecure (he once told me he was "fragile"), and so socially awkward, it probably wouldn't occur to him that I was interested in him romantically, so I might have to "hit him over the head with it." I'm not that forward, but I figured they might be right and that's why I told him I had a crush on him... and ended up opening myself up for rejection.

So, now I'm feeling like an idiot. I thought I was better at reading people. He really seemed like he was interested in me. My friends told me he was interested in me, so I felt rather blindsided by his e-mail. He was e-mailing me again at work this week... as if nothing had happened... no acknowledgement of the "no spark" e-mail on the weekend. He's being his usual friendly self, asking how my day is going, chatting about work stuff, making jokes, etc. So, I guess he really meant it when he said he wanted to be my friend. I find it odd that he wouldn't even mention what happened on the weekend, though.

In addition to feeling confused, stupid, and hurt, I am also feeling angry... and this is the part that bothers me the most... I'm feeling nasty and spiteful. I'm not used to being a nasty, spiteful person. This is going to make me sound HORRIBLE, but I'm going to be honest... I'm feeling offended because he's not at all good-looking, he's rather odd and socially-awkward and (I found this out AFTER last weekend), he's nearly 42 and lives with his mother. I consider myself a kind, understanding person, so I'm angry at myself for having these mean-spirited thoughts.

I'm acknowledging, however, that I'm feeling MORE insulted, because I think I'm better than him in some way. I'm feeling that since I'm an outgoing, social, popular, independent woman whom men tend to find quite attractive... how dare this guy reject ME! It's hard for me to even type that because it makes me feel like a terrible, conceited ******, but that's one of the things that keeps going through my head. I'm also thinking, if a guy like that -- a guy most women wouldn't look twice at, a guy I had to convince myself to be attracted to -- isn't interested in me, have I totally lost my appeal? So, I feel rejected AND I feel like a horrid, egotistical person at the same time and it's really bothering me. I don't know how to deal with this. Maybe it's good for me to be rejected in this way? Maybe my ego needed some deflating? I dunno. I just feel like crap and can't stop thinking about it.

Anyway, sorry for ranting. This has me all discombobulated and not liking the weak, mean-spirited part of myself that is reacting so strongly to this.