Inny, You really opened a new direction of thinking for me yesterday, so I wanna thank you for that. Your word "Domination" is another bit of the puzzle that was missing.

I knew I was very controlling, but to be honest I didn't get that word, but domineering is exactly the right word.

I went and journaled last night. I had this fantasy that all woment werer "soft mothers" But my experience had been the complete oppersite to that. A mother that abandoned me at birth, then another that emotionally abused me.

I would sit at sch staring out the window at sch daydreaming about this perfect mother. I thought the honour of that daydream was for my step mother. T once said its because she was lacking that I compensated with day dreaming.

MY stepmother would dominate me with her wild swinging moods. The anger and rage I feel about that is only now become apparent. She had the power to hurt me. The only way I learnt to compensate for this powerlessness was to dominate and hurt back.

Accept the switch hasn't been switched of. I go into any situation looking for the wild mood swings that can hurt me and I dominate myself and outside myself trying to protect myself from incoming hurt.

My step mohter told me I wasn't a pretty girl, I wasnt like she had been, fashionable and pretty. She constantly talked about her wonderful her hair was growing up. I realised I felt I had failed at being a woman.

I've fanned this fantasy that all women are soft loving mother figures and never been able to meet it because basically women are women and some are *****s and some are mean and the stereo typical "perfect mother" doesn't really exist.

I had to believe it existed, to keep my hope alive, the hope of one day finding this soft mother.

I felt I was born wrong, that I belong with the boys and not the gals. Because step mum had put herself so up high and brain washed me that she was the perfect mother that I stopped trying.

I know there are soft mothers out there, but there are also wonderful fathers out there too. But I've been trying to match a dream.

Women are humanbeings first then they are women then they are mothers. Just because we women doesn't mean we automatically want to be a mother.

I've always felt I failed terribly at that because of this fantasy of the perfect mother I'v held in my head. Now I can see the reality of the situation, I am a woman, I am a good enought mother.

Maybe my wanting a women to love was because I've always put my abilitys outside of myself into other women because step mother knocked it out of me. I was hoping to become whole that way.

But I am whole already.

Sorry there seems to be 2 themes coming out here, dominating to defend myself against my step mothers dominations and trying to find the woman in me by bringing another woman into my life???

Anyway I thanks, this is another avenue for me to work on.